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Showered with Love

Deciding the how and when of celebrating -- and sharing the news of -- your impending arrival can be tricky. Here's help.

by Lisa Milbrand

Spending five months paper-chasing my way through various government offices was almost enough to dampen my enthusiasm for parenthood. Fortunately, once my dossier was signed, sealed, and ready to send to China, my mother and sister thought of the perfect way to inject a little fun into the long wait for a referral—an adoption shower. As we soon discovered, planning it isn’t quite the same thing as planning a traditional baby shower. Yet, in many ways, it was much more rewarding.

The Big Date Decision

First off, finding the right time to celebrate your impending arrival can be tricky. Your friends and family members may be itching to pick out baby clothes and blankets the second you announce that you’re planning to adopt a child, but you may feel superstitious about having a fully decked-out nursery before your homestudy’s even final. Work with your shower hosts to plan your party on a date that feels comfortable to you. I felt confident and ready to celebrate my mom-to-be status once the homestudy was successfully completed, but I know other adoptive parents who chose to wait until they received their referral—or even until after their child arrived—to give their sho-wer hosts the green light.

Creating a Dream Theme

A traditional baby shower often features a very sweet, baby-centric motif: teddy bears, nursery rhymes, or Peter Rabbit. While I love a good nursery rhyme, I was happy that my mother thought of a more exotic route for a party theme—she opted to celebrate my future child’s heritage by incorporating elements of Chinese culture into the shower. Red is considered a color of luck in China, so it was prominently featured in the party décor; the menu consisted of several popular Chinese dishes, ranging from egg rolls to shrimp with snow peas to almond cookies.

You may want to get into the act and help your shower hosts research ideas for the menu, favors, and décor. For example: To celebrate a Russian adoption, serve blinis with caviar; as favors for a Chinese adoption, consider sets of chopsticks, tied with red ribbons; brightly colored Guatemalan fabrics can adorn the tables at a shower for the future parents of a Guatemalan baby. If you’re adopting domestically, consider playing up the state in which your child will be born. Your friends and family can have some creative fun hosting a wine-tasting shower for the baby from California; Maryland crab cakes make an apropos entrée at a celebration in honor of a Baltimore-born baby.

An Inviting Proposition

Invitations to an adoption shower don’t have to be altogether different from those for a traditional baby shower. Simply have your hosts avoid the type that feature illustrated figures of pregnant women or wording that reflects a biological mother’s perspective. If your hosts can’t find anything they like, they can follow the route my mother and sister took—they made their own. On pretty pink paper, they wrote: “Lisa and Mike have completed the paperwork for the adoption of their baby girl from China! Let’s help them get ready for the big day when Katharine Caroline will be on her way. Help fill the nursery with gifts for the little one. Be sure not to miss out on all the fun!” If anyone’s into computers, they can design an invitation with publishing software. For more help with wording, go to www.verseit.com.

Playing (Shower) Games

If guests don’t know each other well, games can help break the ice. While some baby shower games aren’t suitable for an adoption shower (there was no way I was letting my family guess the size of my belly!), there are plenty of other activities that bring added fun to the celebration.

If your baby’s name hasn’t been made public, let guests try to guess what name you chose. (The person who guesses the correct name wins a prize.) Consider creating an adoption-themed trivia game. Give guests two minutes to list famous people who are/were adoptive parents or adopted children (like Angelina Jolie and Gerald Ford), or create a mix of questions involving both general adoption trivia and more personal information (“Name the agency Bob and Sue are using”). The person with the most correct guesses wins a prize. Or keep it simple. The game at my shower involved my mother setting a timer every few minutes during the gift-opening segment of the party—when the buzzer sounded, the person whose gift I was opening won a prize.

A Little Gift Guidance

Most people know what to buy for a newborn, but if you’re adopting an older baby or toddler, your guests may be uncertain about what you’ll need. Consider creating a registry, so shower guests can choose gifts you’re sure to use. Or at the very least, give your hosts some suggestions that they can pass on to guests. (Not sure what to include on a registry for a toddler? See the sidebar, “When You Expect a Toddler or an Older Child.”)

Your hosts may also ask guests to provide a second set of mini-gifts that fit a certain theme. If you’ll need to travel to get your baby, they may request that everyone bring trial-sized toiletries, travel games, pre-paid calling cards, and other on-the-road essentials. Our agency suggested that we bring items to contribute to our child’s orphanage, so my mother asked guests to bring things to include in our offering. We filled a large duffel bag with bottles, medication, blankets, and other things the orphanage needed.

Traditional with a Twist

A shower is a chance for friends and family to share the joy of your new stage of life. Whether you favor the traditional tea-and-tarts variety or a co-ed, kid-friendly, backyard barbecue, your hosts will most likely be happy to work with your vision of the perfect party to commemorate your soon-to-be parenthood.

Finally, no matter how you celebrate, don’t forget to give thanks. Designate a close friend or relative to keep a list of what each guest gave you, so that you can send out thank-you notes after the party. And remember to choose a special gift for each of your thoughtful hosts to show your gratitude.

Lisa Milbrand is the editor of Modern Bride’s 17 regional magazines. Adoptive-parents-to-be, she and her husband, Mike, live in Bloomfield, New Jersey.

Photo: A shower to celebrate Jack (6mos., U.S.), the newest family member.

Homecoming Parties
When their adoption date was uncertain, our readers took the opportunity to celebrate with their children in tow. Here, they share their experiences.

“When we adopted our son, his birthmother’s aunt gave me a baby shower. It turned out to be a great show of love for our little boy. There were wonderful gifts and some keepsakes from his birth family that I will take pride in giving my son someday.”
—Stephanie Case

“I had nothing when I came home with Matthew except a diaper bag, a couple of sleepers, and bottles. He slept in a car seat for a few days. My friends and coworkers threw a shower that week. It was quite a welcoming for Matthew!
—Renee Czaplicki

“We ended up having an adoption party rather than a traditional shower. In the invitation, I listed the dates each of the kids arrived in our family, and the dates their adoptions were finalized. Since they were our second and third children, and already toddlers, we didn’t receive typical shower presents. Rather, the kids received many lovely keepsakes.”
—Lori Jacobson

“It was the most wonderful thing to celebrate after the adoption. It turned out to be better than we could have ever imagined. Once everyone met our son, they were more excited and eager to shower him. It just made so much more sense.”
—Marita Collins

“Many people within our circles of family and friends wanted to give us baby showers before our daughter was born. But we didn’t feel comfortable having them before the actual birth and signing of papers. Things worked out beautifully when our daughter came home—and was the guest of honor at many “Welcome Home” parties. We could celebrate her birth and adoption, even as we introduced her to so many who had prayed and waited anxiously for her arrival.”
—Maureen Seidel

“Friends and coworkers arranged a shower for us when our son was about 3 weeks old. We saved our family celebration for after our finalization date, which didn’t occur until four months later.”
—Andrea Brainard

“For all three of our domestic adoptions, I asked the friends who hosted the shower to wait until after we came home. The most recent one was held at a local restaurant, and it also honored the family of my daughter’s classmate and the toddler they had just adopted from Guatemala. Coincidentally, she shares our baby’s ‘Gotcha Day.’ The shower was a wonderful time to celebrate adoption and to educate our friends about both domestic and international adoption.”
—Kerry Yancy Dolan

When You Expect a Toddler or an Older Child
Baby stores provide long lists of must-haves for newborns. But if you’re selecting the essentials for an arriving toddler or young child, planning your wish list can be tricky. How to figure it out?

Ask Another Mother for Help.
If you know someone who has a child about the same age as yours will be, find out which items she finds indispensable, and which things her child has already outgrown. For instance, many new mothers request a swing to soothe the baby, but if your child will be 8 months old by the time he arrives home, he may be too big to use it.

Err on the Side of “Too Old.”
If your child could be within a range of ages, aim for things that will suit her at the upper age limits. That way, you can be sure that you’ll be able to make use of every gift at some point—even if it’s not right at the time of arrival. (It may not seem like it at the moment, but, eventually, that 8-month-old will be ready to try the training toilet.)

Be Careful with Clothing.
It’s hard to resist the temptation of adorable baby overalls or sneakers. But unless you know exactly what size your son or daughter will wear (or your friends are hosting a post-placement shower), you may want to limit the amount of clothing you get. If you just can’t stop that future grandmother from buying a cute little set of pajamas, ask that any gifts of clothing be as seasonless as possible (perhaps a pair of jeans or a lightweight sweater) and in the larger range of what might fit your child—preferably from a store with a liberal return policy. Better still, guests could be encouraged to purchase gift cards, instead, so that you’re all set to go on a fashion shopping spree when your child comes home.

Consider Themed Gifts.
If you’re unsure what age your child will be—or you know only that your child will be beyond crib-and-stroller age—your hosts may want to create a themed gift shower: A book shower will stock your shelves with all the picture books and parenting texts you need to get you through the early years; an education-themed shower for an older child can feature educational toys, essential school gear—or even contributions toward his college tuition. Now that’s a gift every parent will love!

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Comments

Prior to adopting our first daughter in Dec 2002 I had registered at Babies R Us for all the items that any new Mom would need, with a few exceptions. Because of the registration, everyone could see what we needed, for the trip and after we were home as a family. My girlfriends held a lovely dinner party shower for me right after we received our referral; many of the items received were items we needed for the trip to China, i.e., a front carrier, a backpack diaper bag, soothing sacks for the plane ride, lotions, baby kits, etc. We had a lovely meal and talked a lot, especially about our upcoming trip and our new little one waiting in China for us. Then once we returned home with our daughter, my family threw a large dinner party shower, it was full of friends and family and our daughter Elizabeth was there to meet everyone. At 10 months old, she was a little thing, full of joy and smiles. It was amazing to share her with those others that we love and I know that they too were changed forever. It was awesome!!!

Posted by: Mary Ann at 10:40am Feb 13

I really think every prospective parent may feel differently. Some of our friends did not want to have a shower, while others needed one (both emotionally and practically). We were blessed to have two showers. One from our family was after our dossier was sent to China but before our referral. We needed the morale-booster it provided so badly during the long waiting period. It helped the whole adoption seem more real, and helped prepare us to have a new baby in our home. Our second shower was right before we traveled. It was a diaper shower, and at that point we knew how big our new daughter would be. We were so grateful for all those boxes of diapers! In both cases, the love and support of those around us made our new addition a source of great celebration. As long as the parents-to-be communicate what would mean the most to them, and that is honored by those hosting, a joyful welcome for the new family member is bound to be a success!

Posted by: Julie Staub at 12:01pm Feb 13

We had a very nice welcome home party given by our parents after we brought our son home from Guatemala. We asked our guests not to bring gifts for us or for our son. Instead, we invited our guests to make a donation to the wonderful "Mayan Families" and other Guatemalan charities. Our guests could either make a monetary donation or give supplies from a list that was provided by a hogar in need. When we saw the extreme poverty in Guatemala, we realized that it is best to shower those who are really in need. I have to say, the generous donations that our guests made was humbling and amazing.

Posted by: Jill at 12:36pm Feb 13

When our daughter came home, it was such a quick process that we had absolutely nothing. The day before picking up our baby, my sister took me shopping for newborn clothes. It was so much fun, and I got so tickled at the small size of the clothes. As it turns out within a two month period after our bundle of joy arrived at home, I had four baby showers - two expected, and two suprised showers. What an awesome display of generosity my family and friends showed my hubby and me. We got so much stuff that now months later, we still have had to buy our baby only formula, because we were showered with so many clothes that span sizes from NB to 9 months, and so much equipment for the baby, like carseat, strollers, infant feeding chair/high chair/ booster seat, baby bathtub, crib, bedding, sheets, bottle sterilizer, warmer, bottle drying/storage cabineta, and so very much more. It's truly an overwhleming blessing to us that our friends and family blessed us so so very much. It truly warms my heart. We are so very grateful, and cannot thank them, and thank God enough for their incredible generosity!

Posted by: Felecia at 7:54pm Feb 13

I always knew that I would have my shower several months after our placement. One, due to not knowing the gender, and two, to give us time to settle as a family, and figure out what it was we really needed!

Posted by: Carla at 4:12am Feb 14

Even though adoption is never, ever a sure thing, we were pretty comfortable with dd's bmom and felt that she was very sure of her decision to place. Add that to the fact that I could not resist setting up the nursery and buying all that cute baby stuff....My mom had a shower at their house, it was a family shower and had great-aunts, second cousins, people who we don't see all that much but who wanted to celebrate with us. Then my friend from church also had a church shower so that all of the ladies from church could celebrate with us. My MIL waited until after dd was home to have her shower because she lives about 3 hours away and knew that everyone would want to meet her. When we brought our son home he was 8 1/2 months old. A domestic adoption but grandma had been raising him and just couldn't do it anymore. When he came home we had a welcome home party when we came back into town for family. We just had gifts come in here and there but we really didn't need anything except for clothes for him so it all worked out great!

Posted by: sarah at 9:18am Feb 17

Dates are tricky. My friends and a separate group from work were each kind enough to schedule showers. One was a week before I was set to leave to pick up my child for an overseas announcement and one was just three days before I was set to take off. On the day of the second shower, I learned that the overseas adoption had fallen through and I was sitting at the shower fighting back tears. Four months later I was lucky enough to adopt a fantastic daughter. If I had to do it again, I wish I'd waited until we came home.

Posted by: Cynthia at 9:34pm Mar 26

I told family and friends I would prefer a shower once we were able to bring our daughter home from the hospital. I did receive some personalized gifts prior to the birth/adoption and this made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

Posted by: MaryEllen at 4:00pm Mar 31

Our son was our foster child for 18 months before we were able to adopt him. He arrived at age 4 and a month after he turned 6, we consummated the adoption. Our friends waited until we had a court date to consummate and then threw us the neatest "big boy" shower. Matthew like planes, trains, trucks, etc. so that was the theme and we got lots of gift cards and children's books. It was just what we needed--emotionally--after 8 years of infertility and almost two years of waiting to adopt him.

Posted by: Dawn at 3:31pm Jul 4

We expected to bring out daugher home from Guatemala when she was between 7 - 11 months. So, I had my friend help me with registering for older infant stuff. For the shower, it was very sweet. They had printed out photos from our visit trip of our daughter and hung them up all around the house. I liked having at my house because after avoiding my prego friends for a couple of years, it was nice to feel the love of friends in my house rather than a resturant! And because I was not pregnant, there was lots of wine! It was only girls but my husband helped to set up a lot!

Posted by: Steph at 7:38am Oct 7

We waited until the legal risk period had ended on our domestic adoption before we had a baby shower. So with our 1 month old son in tow our neighbors threw us a baby shower/welcome to the neighborhood party. It was great, and it was fun to pass around our son to everyone. In fact I sort of feel like all baby showers should happen after the baby is born, so that everyone can meet the new little person.

Posted by: Amanda at 8:04am Oct 7

We had a baby celebration party- co-ed. It was a black and white cocktail celebrating the soon to be arrival of our son. There was not a baby theme but a theme of pictures of our son. I did not want a "baby shower" because I wanted my husband to be involved with the celebration as we had struggled so much together. We invted all of our family and friends who were so excited for us to be parents. It was one of the best nights of my life. And, we received so many wonderful gifts geared towards the age of our incoming toddler. You can read about it at: http://ajanderica.blogspot.com. You can also read about life after our son came home: funnyfinn.blogspot.com

Posted by: Erica Schlaefer at 8:11am Oct 7

We are having a toddler shower for my daughter who is awaiting a court date from Russia. I created a blog named "Dreams Can Come True" that told a little about her first trip and listed her registries, On the Blog I also put the link to her flickr page so people could see pictures of her and her son taken in Russia. Her family and friends are so excited for her, the response has been heart warming. Her son will probably be close to two years old when he comes home so the registries are for simple, basic things like toddler booster chair, spoons, cups, sheets, blankets, etc. At the shower we'll have small lined sheets of paper where everyone can write something if they choose and it will go into her journal.

Posted by: Pati at 8:25am Oct 7

We planned our shower to reflect more information about his country, Guatemala. We used items from our visit instead of tradional baby shower decorations. We adorned the tables with woven runners and table clothes. Center pieces were wooden and musical items that we picked up at markets. We had a map of Guatemala on the wall showing where we visited and where we stayed with our son. I also made up some facts sheets about Guatemala and left them on the tables. During the shower we played our video that we made on our visit trip. Everyone got to see him at three months. For our thank you gifts we had miniture bottles of lotion made (blue of course) with a picture of our son on the label and our thnks. We served Guatemalan dishes plus traditional shower food. We had no Guatemalan dishes left at the end of the shower.

Posted by: Marcia at 5:18pm Oct 7

We adopted our daughter domestically and she has been with us from birth. Before she was born, we knew it was possible for her birthmother to change her mind and decide to parent. In fact, we had been through a previous situation in which that had happened. We didn't want to have a shower until after the legal risk period, even though our baby's birthmother expressed confidence in the plan she had made for her baby from the beginning. Friends from work though, completely surprised us with a surprise shower and a very lovely set of creative gifts to welcome and celebrate the baby. I had been open about the situation and our plans to wait for a shower, but my friends at work really wanted to show their support right before we left for the birth. I have to say that I was incredibly touched and I cried with joy at their love and support. It gave me an incredible feeling of a rite of passage into parenthood that surprised me with how deep it felt. People were very open at the shower about their understanding of the risk we faced as we headed into the baby's birth and it meant a lot to me that they understood that even as they celebrated. Maybe I would have felt differently if people didn't understand our risk or if our adoption had not gone through, but this wild surprise my work friends pulled off for us really meant so much to me. Later on, after the legal risk period but before the finalization, some very good friends of mine threw a shower for us and it was a really wonderful party. All of us were there, including my daughter, and we had such a great time just being together, eating awesome food, and trading stories. My friends from my infertility group were there with their kids, along with lots of other friends. It was wonderful. I never would have thought that a pre-birth shower could have worked for me, but life is always surprising me! I ended up having the best of both worlds.

Posted by: Susan at 9:47am Oct 8

We had a shower and used Adoption as our theme. We actually had T-shirts with hearts and a home and used hearts in a house to theme the party. We set the date once we knew we were only waiting for a travel date. It was so fun and gave us an opportunity to get the room ready. Instead of cards people bought books and signed them to start our sons library. It was incredible and he loves to hear who they are from. Made parenthood feel real!

Posted by: Denise Wood at 11:18am Oct 8

I have a friend who is adopting their 5th child very soon. This is their 1st infant and I would like to give them a Welcome Party, however I worry about the other 4 children feeling left out. They are 7, 6, 5, and 5. It seems really greedy and unfair to ask guests to bring gifts for all five children. Any suggestions?

Posted by: Londa at 5:39pm Apr 28

We had a wonderful experience upon our return from China with our son this past fall. My husbands office mates thru "HIM" a shower to welcome home his newest son. My husband works in emergency services so for a bunch of his friends, many fellow tough guys, to think of this and happily shop (I'm sure with their wives help) for toddler items was fantastic and so unexpected!

Posted by: Louise at 4:42am Apr 30

Our extended family,and friends,gave us a "welcome to the family" shower....we adopted our 9 yr.old daughter,from foster care,and waited until after we signed permanent placement papers.She was with us about 5 months,when we had the party.The theme was lime green polka-dots,her favorite color! Guests gave her books,clothes,and her favorite cd's,gift cards,and even her 1st bike,she was so excited,and we were so very touched.We had a cake with sparklers on it,and her grandpa "helped" her light them,and officially welcome her to the family,it was a beautiful day for all of us.

Posted by: B.J. at 5:31am Apr 30

We had a combination baptism/ shower party to celebrate the arrival of our daugther and her being baptized.

Posted by: Lisa at 11:57am May 27

I appreciate everyone's stories here on this issue. We are in the waiting period to be matched in the domestic foster older child adoption and several people have so kindly suggested a party to be thrown for us sometime, so I began wondering when we would feel comfortable doing that. I saw a few others who have adopted domestically, and one from fostering, and I like the two options of either waiting until the legal risk period is over OR until the adoption is finally consumated. I guess at that time though it's more of a celebration rather than needs since it could be several years. A shower with a unique perspective but just as meaningful.

Posted by: Kelly at 4:39am May 7