The Fost/Adopt SagaOne family chronicles the first-year joys and challenges after adopting two older girls from foster care. Read the full series here!
by Kathryn Reiss and Tom Strychacz
 Part 1: In the Beginning
"'Wait—you already have three children!' some of our friends exclaimed, baffled, when they learned we were planning to adopt. Others, more positive, were interested themselves in the idea of adoption.
Yet 'Are you out of your minds?' seemed to be everyone's thought when they understood the details of our plan. Adopting a baby was one thing, they reasoned. But—adopting an older child from our state's Fost/Adopt program? Surely such a child would have been damaged by neglect or abuse." Continue reading
Part 2: A New Family Dynamic
"We came into our new daughters' lives on a rainy spring morning, under the promise and blessing of a rainbow.  Two hours later, we were as close as we would ever get to abandoning the whole project.
"Alexandra and Angie were sweet children, who were obviously trying to be as relaxed as possible, considering they were meeting the people who might turn out to be their parents for the rest of their lives. But as they towed us into their bedroom at their foster home, the meeting veered quickly into the unexpected." Continue reading
Part 3: Settling In
"'When we're adopted, can we call you Mom and Dad?' Angie asked eagerly, on  the first night she slept at our house. 'We hope you will,' we replied, 'when you're ready.' Our two new girls had known us only a few weeks, and we didn't want them to feel rushed.
'OK,' said Angie as Kathryn leaned over to tuck her in. 'Goodnight…Mom.'" Continue reading
Part 4: School Daze
 "Since the beginning of our adoption odyssey, we had known that Alexandra had a learning disability, specifically involving language and reading. She had been in special-ed classes from the start, and she was proud to have passed fourth grade just before coming to live with us.
But we soon realized that her birth sisters, well versed in the art of 'playing the system,' were the real reason Alexandra had 'passed' from grade to grade." Continue reading
Part 5: Balancing Act
"Our teenager, Angie, was embracing her social life with a vengeance. Cheerful and  outgoing, she was much in demand. The phone was ringing off the hook—always for Angie. A pattern quickly developed: We found ourselves telling her to get off the phone and the computer and limiting her get-togethers.
Just as quickly, our restrictions caused conflict. Angie felt we were being unfair. Her friends were nice! What was our problem? Our problem was, having to regulate a child's social life was new to us." Continue reading
Part 6: Finally—Finalization!
"If we had to choose a watershed event that marked the end of our adoption odyssey, it would be the adoption ceremony at which Alexandra and Angie legally  became our children.
It happened in September, more than a year after the girls came to live with us. Our family had already been “finalized” in our hearts many months before the court date, so it was a symbolic ending, an arbitrary date selected because that’s when the judge was available." Continue reading
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Comments
Foster to adopt is not for the faint of heart. We recently finalized the adoption of our son through foster care, the agency was not honest about the experience. Eight different people visited our house a month, whenever they wanted with no regard for work schedules, etc. Case workers were rude and insensitive to our feelings we were actually told "You work for us so deal with it." But in the end we have our beautiful boy, so it was worth it but people should be better informed of how YOU will be treated. If I had been better prepared, it would have been easier.
Posted by: Abby G at 8:20am Dec 2
I agree with two points from Abby G. 1. No, it is not for the faint at heart. 2. You can get wonderful children from foster adoption. When we adopted through foster care, we were treated with the utmost respect. We had wonderful social workers from the state of Missouri (both our worker and our son's worker). They suppported us every step of the way including hospital visits, court proceedings, and answering any questions - and we had many - we had. Many of our friends who have also adopted from the state of MO have had nothing but positive experiences. Keep the postitive aspects in mind. They often outweigh the negatives.
Posted by: Allison T. at 9:50am Dec 2
I also agree it's not for the faint of heart. I have great respect for the authors' patience with the system and commitment to the girls and their family. I also think the balance they achieved with the birth family and forever family was commendable. Great article!
Posted by: Laura at 5:37pm Dec 3
We adopted 3 &6 yr old children who were in fostercare. I thought the process was quick and painless. They have now been with us for almost a year and we enjoy every minute with them. We have been talking with the kids about adding more to our family. Both kids like the idea, but we will have to wait until we are all settled. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted by: patty at 11:32am Dec 4
This is probably the best article I have read from this website. I could relate to SO many parts of it, and look forward to relating to others!! We should finalize the adoption of our twin boys that have been with us just under a year and it has been a roller coaster of emotions and a joyous experience. We have been blessed to have AWESOME social workers, who honestly we rarely see, maybe every 2-3 months, though I communicate with them regularly by email. Thank you for a WONDERFUL article!!
Posted by: Cyndi at 1:42pm Jan 6
Bringing the entire Foster to Adopt issue to the lime light is one of the best things that could happen. So many children are in the system that need homes and forever families that this is the prayer they truly needed. We are in the process of adopting a set of twin boys whom we received in to our care when they were only 3 days old. They have five other siblings, all who either have been or will be adopted by other families, and have a sixth sibling on the way. We have been through the emotions, as we are with every child that comes into our home, but this last 15 months have been a true rollercoaster. We look forward to receiveing our court date and finalization. We also hope to add one more child past these two wonderful additions. When it comes to the case workers remember one thing, you may work for the county, but not your case worker, go back to your homefinder and file the complaint when you are not being treated with kindness and respect. Too often the case workers are stressed out, overloaded or have had to deal with situations that sometimes leave them feeling powerless. Do not be afraid to adress it with their supervisors as well, maybe a change in caseworkers needs to happen, remeber you are a part of this childs team. Don't let your part of the link stress for all of the wrong reasons. To take on this path of building your family not only takes time, patience and energy, it takes faith, hope and love as well. God bless and good luck to all of the families that take on this challenge.
Posted by: Mary at 7:47am Feb 5
Thank you for this wonderful and positive article. So far we have heard more negative things about foster/adopt than positive. We are just beginning the process and this article was very much needed!
Posted by: laura at 6:48pm Apr 12
Well said! I have have 7 children total, (2 bio, 4 fost/adopt and 1 older child private adoption.) This article is spot on and very reflective of what our family experienced while connecting with our new children. I had to chuckle at the line "I felt like I was family when I knew the inside jokes" as my daughter (adopted at age 14 now 21) said the EXACT same thing. My 13 year old (adopted at age 11) said something while we were visiting her during the transition period that is kind of the same. My oldest bio son (age 16) had made a comment and everybody in the car laughed accept the child we were visiting with! She sighed and said "I am sorry. I don't understand your family's language yet." We all had a good laugh, re-explained the story and listened while she shared her own stories. For the record, she has no problem speaking or understanding our "language" now.
Posted by: Tania at 2:20pm Mar 10
I agree that going through the DCF system is not for the weak-hearted! We have not yet finalized on our four children (full sibs) and it has been 2.5 years. Each state has different laws, and also different tendencies. Some favor the bio families very much (a good thing in theory, but not in practice usually). I really appreciate this article. I wish I could ask the author a question about making the decision to stay in contact with biological family. Thanks anyway.
Posted by: Ebeth at 2:54am Oct 9
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