Unexpected ContactWe hadn’t planned on an open adoption. But when my daughter’s birthmother requested a letter, how could I say no?
By Tracy Hahn-Burkett
 Our daughter, Emmie, had been part of our family for just a few months when I picked up the phone and heard words I had never expected to hear. “Emmie’s birthmother in South Korea has requested non-identifying contact,” said the measured voice from our adoption agency. “She hopes you would be willing to write to her and send some pictures of Emmie. We don’t know whether this is a one-time request or if she wants ongoing contact. Sometimes birthmothers just want reassurance that their children are OK. It’s up to you to respond or not.”
I was stunned.
We had never planned on having an open adoption. In part, we’d chosen international adoption over domestic because of our apprehension about birth family contact. Our extended-family relationships were already somewhat tricky, we reasoned, so we didn’t want to complicate matters by adding more family members to the mix.
Dear Birthmother…
My heart was in my throat as I called my husband at work. For two days, we pondered our options: Write a letter, but send no pictures. Send both. Send pictures, but not really cute ones. Deny the request. I knew that, legally, Emmie was ours forever, but I kept wondering: What if her birthmother wants Emmie back?
For two days, we pondered our options: Write a letter, but send no pictures. Send both. Send pictures, but not really cute ones.
As I weighed different ways to respond, I envisioned Emmie, at 14 or 15 years old, searching for answers about her birthmother. I saw myself meeting her eyes and responding heavily, “Your birthmother asked us about you a long time ago. She wanted contact with you, but we turned her down.” I knew that I could never say those words to my daughter.
So we wrote to Emmie’s birthmother. “We’re sure you must be anxious about the baby girl you placed for adoption, and we’re glad to have the opportunity to let you know how well she is doing,” the letter began. We shared a little about Emmie’s life in our New England community, a life filled with “parents and a brother who adore her, grandparents and aunts and an uncle who ply her with kisses and toys at every opportunity.” We assured her that Emmie would always have plenty to eat, a great education, and, most important, infinite love.
Finally, we expressed our gratitude to her: “We are forever grateful to you for this precious gift you have given us—the gift of our daughter. We can only imagine the pain it cost you to make your decision; when she is old enough to understand, we will tell Emmie that you loved her dearly. We will teach her to respect and honor you as we do. We hope that this letter will bring you peace, knowing that Emmie will grow up surrounded by love.”
And we sent pictures—cute ones.
Opening ourselves up
Four months passed, and I relaxed. Maybe Emmie’s birthmother had just wanted reassurance that her baby was OK.
Then, an e-mail from our agency. “I received word that Emmie’s birthmom wrote a letter to you and your husband, and that she would like to know if you will send photos and notes annually.” The e-mail continued, “I’m not sure you had expected to hear back so soon.” Indeed, we had not.
This time, I knew we would write back. Nevertheless, as we waited for the letter to arrive, my nervousness grew. Here we were, entering into some kind of open adoption—the thing we had steered away from at the beginning of the process.
The letter was a heartbreaking expression of maternal strength and love. I had to struggle to regain my breath after reading it.
But reading Emmie’s birthmother’s letter erased my remaining doubts. It was filled with gratitude to us, and love for her daughter. She enclosed a letter to Emmie, and asked that we give it to her when she is grown. Although I cannot reveal the details of that letter, I only say that it is a heartbreaking expression of maternal love and strength. I had to struggle to regain my breath when I finished reading it.
A new tradition
This year, when Emmie turned two, we began what I hope will become an annual tradition. “I know that this time of year must be difficult for you, so I am sending you this update to let you know how well Emmie is doing,” we wrote. “At two years old, Emmie is very smart, very pretty, and has one of the strongest personalities I’ve ever seen!”
When Emmie is older, she can decide if she wants to help write the letters and choose the pictures. I know, too, that she may come to object to the idea of communicating with her birthmother. If that is the case, our journey may turn in yet another direction. We will, as all families do, navigate as we go.
As Emmie’s parents, it is our responsibility to do what is best for her, even if it takes us out of our comfort zone. Emmie’s birthmother, who loved her daughter so much that she took what is, to me, the unfathomable step of letting her go, is part of her life—her past, present, and future. Adopting a child means coming to love someone whose biology we do not share. Now I am learning to open my heart to a woman I may never really know. Although my daughter’s story may be a complicated one, it brings me joy to realize that she has so many people in the world who love her.
Tracy Hahn-Burkett blogs at unchartedparent.com. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband and two children.
|
Recommended Reading
Books that shed light on the birthparent perspective.
I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children, Sara Dorow, ed. (Yeong & Yeong), contains letters written by birthmothers at a home for unwed mothers in South Korea.
Dear Birthmother, by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin (Corona), advocates for openness, and includes letters among the adoption triad.
When You Were Born in Korea, by Brian Boyd; When You Were Born in China, by Sara Dorow; When You Were Born in Vietnam, by Therese Bartlett (all Yeong & Yeong), can help kids understand why children might be placed for adoption.
| Back To Home Page ©2013 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. |
Comments
My daughters and myself, all adopted in closed adoptions, have each longed for the link that Emmie was offered: the proof (the letter) that proved that our birthmother was alive, that she was concerned about our wellbeing and that she was very sad to say goodbye to us and that she chose adoption for us. The majority of children do not discuss these rhings with their adoptive parents as it seems like a betrayal of their love. When you look at the long term research in open adoptions, children have bennefitted enormously from not having the extreme secrecy that is atached to closed adoptions. And consider, is it possible to have too many people to love and care about a child?
Posted by: jane Blannin at 8:57am Jul 24
Taking that risk to communicate is worth it. It is a huge risk of your heart, but every time I write to my son's birthmother and birthfather I know I am bringing them reassurance of the "heartbreaking expression of maternal (and paternal) love and strength" that they showed by choosing adoption. I also know that someday this relationship; however fragile, will mean something important to my son. Raising a child pushes you out of your comfort zone so many unexpected times, you know that while you are helping them grow up they are helping you grow.
Posted by: Mary Read at 9:44am Jul 24
I have two adopted sons. Both came to us from Denver County after parental rights had been terminated. One is now 16, the other is 7. Last summer we decided to re-locate from Colorado to Wyoming for several reasons, including the smaller school systems, the community support, and for a job. My boys are thriving here, and I am too. My older son joined the large group of very active special olympians in this community. There was another youth from his school that was also participating. He and my son became fast friends, and were developmentally quite similar, even exhibiting similar mannnerisms at times. At an event, I inadvertantly learned that the last name of the other child was the same as my adopted son's birth name. After doing some gentle investigation, I learned that all of my son's birth siblings were placed in permanent foster care with a relative here in this small community. I asked the school psychologist to meet with the other child's family and ask if they wanted contact, or to get to know us. They do not. As of now, both boys are still best friends and I am praying that someday they will get to be the brothers they are. This was an occurence that was not in my plan or anything I ever thought because I had been told that all of my son's siblings had been "adopted by their foster families" in Colorado. Because they are in activities together, I do get some pictures of them, with chance meetings with extended family members always acting like "nobody knows" they are related. Blessings to all adoptive families. Vicki
Posted by: Vicki at 9:48am Jul 24
I found this article very helpful because we are just starting the process with South Korea and have been told that we may receive the same type of request. Though initially apprehensive about the contact, which is one of the reasons we chose international, we had already indicated to our social worker that we would be happy to send photos and/or letters with updates when I saw this article. It further pointed out to me that the choice we made was the right one for us and I look forward to the opportunity when our time comes.
Posted by: Karen at 12:30pm Jul 24
My husband and I adopted our son, now 7, from South Korea. Two years after his arrival into our family, we experienced a similar situation. Since that time, we've received one letter (as well as photos) from his birthmother, and I've sent one letter with photos back to her. I've struggled with whether or not to make contact with her again. I think about her frequently and truly have a love for her since she is my son's birthmother, and I know she loves him. Our son is quickly approaching the age that he will be asking more and more questions, and we would like to provide him with as many answers as possible (age appropriate). While I continue to struggle with this decision, this article definitely sways me to pick up a pen and paper and begin a letter to his birthmother. I think this is a step in the right direction.
Posted by: Lisa at 2:21pm Jul 24
I am appalled that adoptive parents would not be thrilled to have communication from birthfamilies. Unless it was a case of known abuse, neglect, and/or violence it is like denying they are not our birthchildren. I would give anything to have a letter or call from my son's birthmother as we do from my daughter's birthparents. I know it is scary in the beginning. We went through the same thing so we have a semi-open adoption for my son with virtually no chance of it opening up because neither the birthmother or us liked the agency who handled the actual adoption. I have confidence we will find her someday and pray she will be open to us. If not, we are prepared for that too. You just can't go into adoption blind anymore. Our childrens well-being is at stake.
Posted by: Susan W at 2:33pm Jul 24
I loved to read the article by Tracy Hahn-Burkett about unexpected contact. We also decided to keep in contact with our daughter's birthmother, as well as the birthgrandparents. Through the exchange of letters we have gotten lots of valuable information about the birthfamily's interests, etc, as well as baby pictures of my daughter and pictures of the birth family. This information is priceless and a wonderful addition to her LifeBook. I also enjoy keeping in contact with them and sharing information about how my daughter is doing. It has been a win-win situation.
Posted by: Deb at 9:00pm Jul 29
No matter how hard it is for the birthparent, or what the reasons are, a child being placed for adoption feels like he is being rejected and abandoned by the ones he trusts most in his life. If only we had had a letter from our daughter's birthmother expressing her love for our daughter, and hopefully her reasons for placing her, I can only believe that growing to adulthood would have been much, much easier for our daughter and for us as well. If you have that opportunity, grab it!
Posted by: Bonnie at 12:48pm Jul 31
I have jumped at the opportunities to send letters and pictures to birthparents and relatives, as well as previous foster parents, teachers, and case workers. People who have cared about my children in the past did not stop caring just because they were adopted. There is always someone who cared about each of my children. Even the drug addicted parents cared deeply for their children. They just couldn't care enough to tare themselves away from their drug/alcohol lifestyle. It's a shame but it is their loss and something that will bother them until the day they die, but an occasional letter/pictures are well worth the time. People who care about my children agonize daily about the welfare of my children. They 'need' to know. I have never been threatened by their love for their child nor the love my children have for them. I help each of my children understand the circumstances in which they were adopted and when possible, how their parents are doing. My liberian children simply want to know if their parents are still living. It bothers them to think that they are now safe, and their parents are not. It was comforting to them when we could report that they were indeed alive and doing well. Sonya
Posted by: Sonya at 9:33pm Aug 2
My daughter, almost 17, would be thrilled if we could even find out non-identifying medical history, but we cannot. The agency in Korea told us that it is illegal to approach the family in a closed adoption; they have to initiate the contact. My daughter has been chronically ill for a year and we have not gotten a diagnosis yet, except that she has multiple food sensitivies, which we try to keep at bay with a rotation diet and various naturopathic treatments. When we sent the letter from the doctor and the other information to ask if they would open the file for non-identifying information, we were asked if we wanted other information if it was available. My daughter's face lit up and she said "yes" - - I know from her expression and tone that she would love to have some idea of her background. I have some of the same fears as the author, but also feel that it would be beneficial to my daughter to have this information. If her birthmother ever contacted us I would be thrilled, if nervous. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Posted by: Marsha Ransom at 3:45pm Aug 29
My daughter and son are both adopted. Both share different biological families. Both of my children know their birth mother's but I forbid them to have any type of realtionship with them. Katelyn,who is ten and Christopher who is five are both biracial (1/2 white 1/2 black) and both their biological mother's are drug addicts. When Katelyn turned five years old, my husband Frank and I held a Winnie the Pooh themed birthday party for her. Her biological mother called our home and asked if she could come over to spend time with Katelyn because she hadn't seen her in 3 years.I figured it would be okay. She comes to the party drunk and high off of cocaine and she brought Katelyn a Barbie doll that had been burned and had no clothes on then tried to kidnap my child. I had to call the police. My son Christopher, his birth mother brought him a bicycle last Christmas and the bike had been stolen, so the police came to our house to get it, later found her and arrested her. I know it's wrong for me to be upset with my children's birth mother's and not want them to see the ladies but, I am their mother now and I feel that I should do what's best. Keeping my babies away from the insane women is the best answer. I hope and pray that after all the abuse my children had been in before they were placed in a foster home and adopted by myself and Frank that we are all the parents they need and we will never abuse them like their "surrogate mothers" have.
Posted by: Valerie Simmons at 12:47pm Nov 18
Here's one for the record books. I am entering into a WIDE OPEN adoption. Knowing nothing about the birth mother really excpet that for some reason the courts decided she could not take care of her children. Yes children, as in 3 of them. I am so scared they will always want to be with her and that seeing her as often as they will that they will be sad all the time about not being allowed ot live with her. There simply is no research to say whether or not the decisons we make on behalf of these kids is right or not. And each Birth family and each child is so very different. Wow huh. What's an adoptive parent to do? Except always try to do their best. Kudos to you for writing the letter. Kudos to the mom who is protecting her kids from drug addicted dangerous birth moms, Kudos to all of you and god bless you and your children
Posted by: Fly at 3:24pm Sep 18
This is along alittle different line .But I have 6 adopted kids from EE. Their adoption disrupted I'm their second american family I chose open adoption with their first adopted families. Something I wish was done more often. If I could I would also chose open adoption with their birth pareants.My first husband of 13 years was adopted, I helped him find his birth mom. It turned out she was an American Indian with 7 other kids we got to met almost the whole tribe in one town, if I was a writer what a great story it would have been.
Posted by: peggythomas at 10:40am Oct 30
This is along alittle different line .But I have 6 adopted kids from EE. Their adoption disrupted I'm their second american family I chose open adoption with their first adopted families. Something I wish was done more often. If I could I would also chose open adoption with their birth pareants.My first husband of 13 years was adopted, I helped him find his birth mom. It turned out she was an American Indian with 7 other kids we got to met almost the whole tribe in one town, if I was a writer what a great story it would have been.
Posted by: peggythomas at 10:40am Oct 30
Post a comment