Perception and Reality: The Untold Story of Domestic AdoptionAdoption in the United States has undergone a seismic shift in the last 30 years. How long will it take for popular perceptions to catch up with the new, healthier reality?by Eliza Newlin Carney
 In the spring, when Katie and Jeffrey Davis set out to adopt a baby domestically, everyone close to the couple assumed they were in for an excruciatingly long wait. As it turned out, the Davises, who live in Baltimore, Maryland, were matched with a birthmother less than a month after their adoption agency started presenting their paperwork to prospective birthparents. Their daughter, Carrie, now five, was placed in their arms just seven months after they started the adoption process.
"People think that adoption takes five years, just forever and ever," says Katie. "They were shocked that we adopted a baby in the U.S., and that the process went so smoothly."
Domestic Adoption Reinvented
For many years, adoption was defined by fear. Now I see fear diminishing among both our adoptive and biological families.” —Dawn Smith-Pliner, executive director of adoption agency Friends in Adoption, in Vermont
The Davis family's story is not particularly unusual. While international adoption has commanded the limelight for the last decade or so, domestic adoption has remained an untold story. Despite persistently negative and sensational media coverage, domestic adoption today is more transparent than ever before, and increasingly defined by healthier choices for birth families and adoptive families alike.
The fact that more than 18,000 American families successfully adopt newborn babies in the United States every year belies the widespread misperception that domestic adoption is a difficult, time-consuming, expensive, and risky process. The truth is that most families successfully adopt within two years of beginning the process. The cost of a domestic adoption varies widely, from under $10,000 to more than $40,000. According to surveys conducted by Adoptive Families in each of the last five years, the median total cost of a domestic adoption is $20,000 to $35,000, which tends to be considerably less than that of a typical international adoption.
"People watch TV and read the newspapers, and they are scared to death," says Mark T. McDermott, an adoption attorney in Washington, D.C. The most damaging, and most deeply entrenched, conviction -- that birthparents return after relinquishing parental rights to try to reclaim the baby -- virtually never comes to pass.
Almost as far off the mark is the common belief that most domestic adoptions are so open as to constitute virtual "co-parenting." In fact, contact between the birth family and the adoptive family typically involves periodic updates to the birth family, often via an intermediary, an experience that adoptive and biological parents generally support.
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A Birthparent's
Bill of Rights
New York–based adoption agency Spence-Chapin has developed a handout for expectant mothers considering adoption. This excerpt illustrates accepted best practices in the domestic adoption process.
1. You have the right to be free from pressure to make a decision for or against adoption.
2. You have the right to total confidentiality, if you so choose.
3. You have the right to impartial counseling by a trained professional, so you can review all your options.
4. You have the right to choose your baby’s adoptive parents.
5. You have the right to a safe and legal process.
6. You have the right to choose an open adoption or ongoing communication with the adoptive family.
7. You have the right to change your mind about any verbal promise or written agreement made before the birth of the baby. |
Domestic Adoptions Outpace International
“A man I encountered while shopping for baby supplies refused to believe that my two-month-old daughter was adopted, because she’s not from China!” —Samantha Cleveland, Altamont, New York
Although fewer adoptions currently take place each year within the U.S. compared to 35 years ago, domestic adoption is far from dying out. In fact, more U.S. families adopt domestically than internationally each year.
To be sure, the number of infant placements in the U.S. has dropped in recent decades. In the mid-1970s, as many as 49,000 American infants were placed for adoption each year. In 2007, the most recent year for which accurate numbers exist, there were an estimated 18,000 domestic newborn, non-relative adoptions.
The drop in the number of newborn adoptions since the 1970s coincides with a decline in the percentage of single mothers placing children for adoption, down from nine percent in the 1970s to 1.4 percent in 2002, according to the National Survey of Family Growth. As the stigma against single parenthood has diminished over the last 35 years, so has the number of children placed for adoption.
Despite the tenacity of myths and stereotypes, domestic adoption has quietly redefined itself over a generation. Adopting parents, once resigned to a lengthy wait at their local adoption agency, now have more options and more information. Birthparents, once shamed and almost completely shut out of adoption decisions, are now involved in the process. Independent adoptions have increased in number and, by some accounts, now represent the majority of domestic adoptions. The Internet has made it easier for like-minded birthparents and adopting families to find one another over geographic distances that used to preclude contact.
From Secrecy to Transparency
“Meeting our child’s birth family gave us information to share with our child at the appropriate time and allowed the birth family to get to know us.” —Vicki Taylor, Virginia
While almost every aspect of adoption is different than it was in the past, it is within the family matching process that the most change has occurred. In private and agency adoptions, rather than merely being assigned a baby to adopt without any background information to share with the child as he or she grows, adopting parents now usually meet or talk with the birth family. Birthparents, by the same token, are empowered to choose which family will adopt their child. Birth families are more likely to have access to counseling and independent legal representation, and, together with the adopting family, determine the nature of contact after the adoption. (Visit adoptivefamilies.com/birthparentperspective to see data from the Early Growth and Development Study results, which offer a glimpse of birth families' choices and attitudes throughout the adoption process.)
Almost everyone involved in adoption today -- adopting parents, birthparents, and adoption professionals -- embraces this new transparency as an antidote to the confidentiality of the past. Birth families are reassured that their child will be well cared for; adopted children have the answers to questions that arise over the years.
Today, families who've adopted domestically often say that initial concern about the role of birthparents is replaced by gratitude for the opportunity to know their child's family of origin. They note the positive aspects of adopting domestically: the opportunity to parent a newborn, and the knowledge they possess about their child's medical and social history.
Getting to Know One Another
“People have a really hard time understanding why we continue to exchange letters and pictures with our child’s birth family. They just assume that we would have wanted them out of our lives as soon as they terminated their parental rights.” —Kirsten Wilkerson, Edwardsville, Illinois
Another misperception about today's domestic adoptions is that they involve frequent, face-to-face contact between birth and adoptive families. Adoption professionals say that the term "open adoption" could more accurately be replaced with "identified adoption" -- that is, adoption in which families exchange identifying information, sometimes via an intermediary. In most cases, before the child is born or the adoption is finalized, the families agree to a mutually acceptable level of contact. Updates are usually provided through e-mail or letters and photos periodically mailed to the birth family.
There is no "typical" scenario, however. Some birth and adoptive families meet infrequently after the adoption, while others see one another more often. Still other families start out communicating only via an intermediary but later decide to meet.
Adoption professionals report that, after the initial reassurance of letters following a child’s birth, some birthmothers move on with their lives. In these cases, contact often diminishes. Dawn Smith-Pliner, executive director of adoption agency Friends in Adoption, reports that contact is sometimes renewed in later years, by either the adoptive family or the birth family.
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Domestic Adoption by the Numbers
U.S. newborn adoptions (est)...............18,000
International adoptions
to U.S................9,319
Cost & Timing Data from Adoptive Families’ 2011 Reader Survey
Average time from preparation of portfolio to match with birthmother (excluding time in failed adoption):
6 months or less.....50%
12 months or less....73%
Time from birthmother match to birth of child: Less than 1 months...40% Matched after birth....13%
Families that worked with more than one birthmother before successfully adopting..........38%
Ethnicity of baby adopted:
Caucasian.............37%
African-American.......22%
Asian/Bi/Multiracial/ Other...................34%
Latino.................... 5%
Total adoption cost (before tax credit or employee benefits):
Less than $20K...... 8% Between $20 and $25K .............17% Between $25 and $30K ................30%
More than $30K..... 52%
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Adoption is Forever
“When we tell people that we see our sons’ birthmothers, they always ask, ‘Aren’t you afraid they will take them back?’ They seem to think they can change their minds at any time. We explain the legal revocation period all over again.” —Sonya Dobbins, Indian Trail, North Carolina
The fear that domestic adoptions are legally risky remains widespread. While there are no data on how many adoptions land in the courts, experts estimate that less than one percent of domestic adoptions are legally contested after the relinquishment of parental rights.
Kirsten Wilkerson and her husband, Pete, adopted their daughter, Meghan, less than a year after they began the process. At the beginning, the Wilkersons had fully expected to adopt a child from China or Korea. That plan was driven, in part, by "the belief out there that birthparents would come back to reclaim their child," explains Kirsten, a psychologist who lives in Edwardsville, Illinois.
But chance -- or, as Kirsten says, fate -- intervened. Her doctor told her about a pregnant patient who was considering placing her child for adoption. The doctor wanted to know whether Kirsten and Pete were interested in adopting the baby.
As it turned out, that call never came -- but the experience did get Kirsten thinking. Soon afterward, a fateful conversation led her to another pregnant woman interested in making an adoption plan. As soon as she met Meghan’s birthmother, recalls Kirsten, her fears about a birthmother's change of heart melted away. Three months later, she and Pete were parents.
Breaking Down Birthmom Stereotypes
“Both of our sons’ birthmoms were in their thirties, raising other children. Both were employed, but knew they couldn’t feed another child. People assumed that there was something terribly wrong with them, that they were women who ‘give away’ babies because they didn’t care.” —Amy Santoro, Danbury, Connecticut
Even as domestic adoption evolves, negative stereotypes of birthmothers refuse to die out. Most damaging are those portrayals of birthmothers heartlessly "giving up" their children. In reality, most of them have made a painful, but loving, choice -- one for which there is very little societal support.
Despite the perception that most birthmothers are irresponsible teenagers, many are single mothers who already have a child, and who face economic pressure to place a child. "They are mothers who want the best life possible for their unborn child," says Steven Kirsh, an adoption attorney in Indianapolis.
Understanding is Growing
"Each year adoptive and biological families are more and more educated about adoption, more comfortable with connections. There’s still a long way to go.” —Dawn Smith-Pliner
Adopting a newborn domestically is eminently doable, say professionals. Nonetheless, waiting parents should educate themselves about the process, and about all their options. It's not uncommon for waiting parents to pursue more than one route at a time, filing paperwork with an agency and also networking independently.
Wait times are shortest for parents who place the least restrictions on the description of their dream child.
Many families have already discovered what the rest of America has yet to figure out: that the real story of domestic adoption has thousands of happy endings.
ELIZA NEWLIN CARNEY is a journalist and a frequent contributor to AF. She and her husband live in Maryland with their daughter, adopted domestically.
More About Adopting in the U.S.
While adopting a newborn domestically is eminently doable, say adoption professionals, waiting parents should educate themselves.
• State adoption laws regarding all aspects of domestic adoption, from timing of revocation to allowable fees to professionals permitted to undertake adoptions, vary widely. Families should carefully research their state’s laws, as well as the credentials of any adoption professionals they engage. Find a state-by-state list of adoption laws at adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-resources.php.
• Although most families complete a domestic adoption within 18 to 24 months, keep in mind that specific circumstances (age, profession, location, religion, marital status) may result in a wait that’s on the longer side (see chart above).
• Be wary of any adoption professional who requires up-front fees that come with no guarantee of a placement, adoption experts warn.
• “Probably the biggest challenge is finding the right agency or attorney with whom to work,” says Indiana adoption attorney Steve Kirsh. A good adoption professional will 1) determine which costs are legally permissible, 2) make sure the birth
family receives counseling, 3) ensure that the birthparents’ rights have been legally terminated before placement is finalized, 4) draft a post-placement agreement, and much more.
• On average, domestic adoption expenses total $20,000 or less. However, costs can and do vary widely, depending on factors families may not be able to control, such as higher-than-expected advertising or medical fees.
• For much more information on domestic adoption, including sample budgets, worksheets, and questions to ask a prospective adoption agency or attorney, visit Adoptive Families’ domestic adoption page, at adoptivefamilies.com/domestic-adoption, and pre-adoption website, at theadoptionguide.com. AF also recommends the Child Welfare Information Gateway (childwelfare.gov), a service of the Children’s Bureau of the Administration for Children and Families at the U.S. Health and Human Services Department.
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Comments
Our 3 week old daughter, Liesl, was placed in our arms a year and one month after our domestic adoption journey began. We had just renewed our homestudy in April, and were unsure of "our wait time", as we had been considered in the past, only to be told that we were not chosen by that birthmother. In any case, I too have encountered strangers making comments about the "horror stories of domestic adoption", and I take it upon myself, (as most of us adoptive parents do!), to be an advocate for adoption, correct the stereotypes, misconceptions, and tell the success stories of domestic adoption, not what the media "plays up", due to one unfortunate instance. I also am floored by strangers who will blatently ask.."Did you carry that baby?!?!!!?".........Having an athletic build, surely I could not, right?........however, I have found the best way to handle these types of questions, is with the question "Why do you ask?"...Most times it turns the situation around, but at times, it does not. Until we start educating people on adoption who have not experienced it, we will still encounter the ignorant questions unfortunately!
Posted by: Carla Feinman at 1:55pm Jul 12
We are just starting the process because we're encouraged by the fact that older parents are not excluded any more. I guess I am more afraid of the "how could anyone give a baby to such an OLD mother," than I am to ignorant questions about the child!
Posted by: Karen at 10:17am Jul 13
When we told people that our daughter was adopted they assumed she was from China. When they looked at her and saw that she was not they could not believe it! We were only on the waiting list for two weeks when we got the call from our agency saying that we had been chosen.
Posted by: Gina Osinski at 4:32am Jul 16
We had two weeks from the time we completed the initial paperwork until we got "the call" on our 2nd adoption. Our daughter had been born the previous night and could we get our "Dear Birthmom" letter to the hospital ASAP and travel the next day to meet the birthmom. Unfortunately, it was a federal holiday, 3-day weekend so we couldn't bring Baby home until she was 5 days old. There is an excellent book out for private adoptions called "Fast Track Adoption" or something like that. Didn't need it for this one :-)
Posted by: Natalie at 4:41am Jul 26
Thank you for this article. My huband and I have been so confused as to adopt domestically or internationally and this article put some important points in perspective. Thanks!
Posted by: Kathy at 12:08pm Aug 6
To Karen: My husband is 47 and I am 45 - we just adopted our second son this summer. Their birthmother (yes, she placed both boys with us, but that's another story...) told us she felt at our age we were more "settled" and financially secure and could provide all the love and support the boys would need. Don't worry about your age - your children will keep you young. I found myself diving on the Slip-n-slide with our three year old last week!
Posted by: Eva at 8:43am Sep 12
To Eva! Thanks for a chuckle and a tear to my eye this morning after reading your comment about the slip n slide...My husband is also 47 and I am 44, so I can clearly see that act in my future with our daughter. No walkers or canes needed yet! LOL
Posted by: Carla at 4:39am Sep 13
This was a great read. MY husband and I are struggling between domestic and international. I am 40 and he just turned 48 and we do not want a two year wait. WE prefer an infant. We would like two children and may go with domestic and then international. We live in FL and any guidance would be great. Our home study is complete.
Posted by: Tricia kurty at 9:19am Oct 23
I am so happy things have changed and work out for some, and maybe it truly works out for most. My husband and I are now 45 & 47 respectively. Our son is 5 and we are in process for another--age 2. We chose international adoption for several reasons. 1) We were told we would be too old by the time our minimum 2-year wait would be up. I don't know when that all changed, but I'm glad it has. I believe we were 36 and 38 at the time. Our first international adoption only took 7 months! He was not an infant, but I'm more comfortable with communicators -- so this was perfect for me. However, we have two sets of friends who went through the agony--twice each--of being rejected by birth mothers, after having paid all expenses. Two of the children were actually in the home for 60 days or more when "mom" changed her mind. Both couples eventually succeeded, but to say it is rare for the birthmother to change her mind, when I know of 4 instances personally--makes it hard for me to fully trust.
Posted by: Caroline at 2:45pm Dec 27
My husband and I struggled with our age should we adopt again or not? He is 52 and I am 44. we went for it and 9 months later we have a beautiful newborn baby girl! We have adult biological children, and two adopted sons 14 & 7, they were both a little older when we were blessed with them.
Posted by: Cindy at 2:55pm Dec 27
I'm glad to hear that things are starting to change in domestic adoptions but the article made it seem easier than I think it actually is (according to others we personally know who have been through the process.) We chose international adoption because I, after years of infertility, could not take ANY chance of rejection or of a mother changing her mind. I know of others with the same issue. Honestly, it is the one thing that stops some people cold - even a 1% chance is way too much for some. We encountered a couple in our international group in 2006 who had been primary parents for 2 girls since the age of 3 months. The parents, after 8 years, still refused to give up custody, even though they had never actually parented the children. This couple was devasted and turned to international adoption out of desperation after so many broken promises. Two other couples we know had several rejections and also were asked at the last minute to pay thousands of dollars for medical care (one bill was for $15,000) before they could pick up their child. Maybe we were just unlucky enough to have sad stories from 3 of the couples we spoke to (the only ones we know of who have had domestic adoptions).
Posted by: Angela at 7:15pm Dec 27
When I saw the headline I thought, there will be something about the kind of domestic adoption we are doing! However, like a lot of the press I read, this article never mentions adopting out of foster care. I work with a lot of wonderful foster kids as a nurse practitioner and I cannot wait to start my family this way! There are so many benefits, including the fact that you can chose to have infants or kids placed that are legally free from their parents from the moment they are in your arms. The cost for this kind of adoption - free! We chose to pay $3000 to work with a local agency very experienced in these adoption so we can have more individual attention. These children have faced neglect or abuse, but this is often the case in international adoptions, unfortunately. We live in OR which is a full disclosure state, so we are eligible to receive all documentation on the child, speak to the foster parents, therapist (if there is one), MD, etc to help us find a child that matches our ability as parents. It looks like we will have kids placed within 6 months, and we just handed in our homestudy questionnaire.
Posted by: Valerie Tobin at 9:38am Dec 28
We adopted our second son as a newborn from the US less than 1 month after our homestudy was complete. I had been treated for cancer, was 44 and did not think that anyone would pick our profile. My medical information was reviewed by the agency doctor and we were encouraged by our agency. Our little miracle just turned 7 years old.
Posted by: Amber Fehr at 7:51pm Jan 4
This article helped me out to know "various perceptions with regd. to adoption" i.e., my project report. i m a law student.
Posted by: VIKRAM SINGH at 11:32pm Jan 15
I,too, am always disappointed that domestic adoption stories never mention adoption through foster care. After running up monumental debt adopting our first child from Russia 10 years ago, we decided to try to adopt a 2nd child through our local public children's service agency. We didn't hold out much hope. But nine months after our paperwork, homestudy and a 30-hour training session were completed, we got a call to meet a healthy, feisty 20-month-old boy who'd been in foster care since birth. (He's white, as we are. My devasted infertile psyche still could not bear to have our adoptive status be so obvious.) After a 6-week transition period, we brought him home to permanently join our family. We had to jump through the usual adoption hoops, but overall the process went smoothly and was free. In addition, our son, now 8 and doing well in school and sports, receives a monthly stipend from the state of Ohio until he's 18 because he was considered special needs -- only because he'd been several foster homes. I know our situation is unusual, but I'm sure we're not the only ones to pursue adoption through a public agency.
Posted by: Colleen Russell at 1:04pm Jan 17
We adopted our son, Jesse, at birth almost four years ago. He was born in Las Vegas. My husband and I have 3 biological children, who at the time were 11, 9, and 6 years old. Jesse is African-American, and he is the smartest, cutest, and most loving child you can imagine. Everyone always assumes that he is adopted from Africa. I just wanted to put in a plug for domestic adoptions. We met Jesse's birthmom in the hospital, and we connected with her from the start. She was both smart and loving, and I honestly believe that she was doing all she could to ensure that her son would grow up in a stable home. There are lots of children in the U.S. that need homes, even healthy infants. It is sad, but true that many African-American children in the U.S. are adopted by families in Canada and Europe. Jesse has brightened the lives of my husband and I, but also of his siblings.
Posted by: Liz at 2:15pm Jan 22
We had a wonderful experience adopting domestically. After years of infertility I didnt want the chance of a birth parent changing their mind months after placement so I checked each states laws very carefully and selected a state that 1. allowed the birthparents to terminate 48hrs after birth, and 2. that the termination was 100% irrevocable. We paid only a small administrative fee when we applied to the agency and then paid the adoption fee when our beautiful perfect newborn boy was legally placed with us. We met our birthmother and father via the agency and had calls and webcam chats. The situation just felt right and they are amazing people who made us feel like parents even in the hospital! We know people from our adoption classes that had bad experiences (fake pregnancies, gave money to the girls and then ended up with no baby etc) A lot of that I chalk up to 1. poor agency assistance (some agencies just give the adoptive couples contact info and leave the chatting up to them!) 2. State laws (some states actually allow for the birth parents to come back after months and have a strong legal case to take back custody) 3. Sometimes birth parents change their minds..... It is their legal right untill they sign the termination papers, so as long as you pick a state that has a short wait perior to sign, and an agency that doesnt require money upfront or that will reimburse you if the adoption fails due to the birth parents changing their minds prior to signing termination papers then you are pretty safe in those terms. It was a wonderful time for us and we are forever grateful that we have our son, now almost 1yr! I wouldnt have changed anything and we will probably go the domestic route again when we are ready for him to become a big brother. Good luck!
Posted by: Chris at 1:35pm Feb 28
I am just starting to consider domestic adoption for our second child. I have to say I am a little shocked at the attitude of the above poster who was searching for the state which would most quickly terminate the rights of the birth parents. 48 hours seems to be an awfully short period. Of course, as an adoptive parent it would be devatating to have your hopes set on an adoption to then have it taken away, but how much more devastating to give birth to a child and then be unable to decide to parent a mere 3 days after giving birth. I know I would feel terrible if I knew that the mother of the child I was being allowed to adopt had changed her mind a mere 3 days after birth. I would never want to keep the child in those circumstances, no matter how difficult it would me for me.
Posted by: stephanie at 8:37am Mar 12
I think my comments were misinterpeted. Yes in some states the termination can be signed that early, the key is it CAN be signed not HAS to be signed. Ours wasnt due to court availability etc it was more like 10 days. We needed that stability, some states allow birth parents to come back months after and have a very good chance of regaining custady, which would be heart breaking for us and you do need to know where your comfort level is and what your heart can bear. We had gone though years of waiting and misscarriages before. So while I can completely understand the above poster being concerned for the birth parents pain if they changed their mind early. On the flip side, does that mean our pain is non exisistant if our new child is removed from our home months after we have become a family. Nothing is ever perfect, but I think most people try. We have a great relationship with our childs birth parents and everyone felt good and happy about the process from the start. I will just say, when its right for everyone, you just know in your heart.
Posted by: chris at 7:47am Mar 14
We are currently in the "waiting" stage with our domestic adoption. It has become very surprising to me that, when I mention to someone that we are adopting domestically, the vast majority of folks out there don't really understand how it works nowadays; many are floored when I tell them that the birth mother chooses the adoptive parents. I think people have the "Hollywood" notion about domestic adoption - you know, the scene in about a dozen movies where the adoptive parents walk into a nursery of infants and pick one. I have a question for those of you in the same boat as I am - what can adoptive parents do during the wait for "the call"? My emotions lately are so up and down - I've all but finished the nursery, have read alot of books, watched baby shows on TV until I'm blue in the face. What else can I do while I wait?
Posted by: elisha at 8:28am Jun 27
I appreciate the comments from everyone as much as the article itself. My husband and I are still determining which route to take with adoption. I have the stereotypical fears of domestic adoption (as I find out more information, many of those fears are going away); and international adoption is out of our financial reach (and the wait times are longer than I could have imagined). Thank goodness for the internet... it helps me to know we are not alone. :)
Posted by: ann g at 7:14pm Jul 5
I really enjoyed your comments about adoption. They really helped with any confusion that I might have had. I'm going through myadoptionforms.com to get my adoption paperwork, and this just adds to the information that I've gotten from them.
Posted by: mistyeyed at 12:34pm Aug 13
This article was chock full of very important information about the domestic adoption process and how it works. I am currently writing a paper about the choice between domestically adopting and internationally adopting. I am pro domestically adopting mainly because I was adopted twice in my life time by wonderful families both times. To all prospective adoptive parents please not only consider adopting domestically but also look into choosing to adopt an older child.
Posted by: Denise Pender at 3:24pm Sep 17
You help debunk some pervasive myths, but I would also have liked some info on the issue of disrupted adoptions, those occurring prior to the termination of birthparent rights, such as when a birth mother simply changes her mind after the process has begun. I believe I read an informal poll from this very magazine that showed 40% of the respondents who pursued domestic adoption had experienced at least one disruption. That may be another important thing to consider.
Posted by: Todd at 8:30am Nov 5
My husband and I adopted domestically. This is actually our one year anniversary of meeting the kids for the first time. We adopted our son at the time was 6 and our daughter who at the time was 3. Our kids adapted quickly to being part of our family and it took only 1 month before they were calling us Mom and Dad. I could not imagine my life without them. When we were mwking our decision, We were thinking about a baby, but we started looking at the website like nwae.org and adoptohio.org and the heart galleries with the kids that were waiting for a home. And we were decided ...There are so many kids out there looking for good homes and parents and just needing love. Our kids have minimal issues ... nothing outside of what a child that was not in Fostercare would have. Some people say we are just lucky, because they are young and that most foster kids have severe issues. But I have talked with many people who adopted older children and they have simular stories. I am so happy I went in that direction and We are so blessed to have such wonderful kids.
Posted by: Patty at 8:33am Nov 5
My husband and I (43 & 44) were just placed with a baby through the Foster Care system as pre-adoptive parents. We were just approved at the end of May and our child joined us on August 7th. Our state has full disclosure so we knew all the facts. The court date for his mother's rights isnt' 'till December but we're confident all will go well. The cost to adopt - not a dime! In our state, not only is it free but he gets WIC for formula & food, is on state health insurance until he is 18 (even after the adoption is final) and we can sign him up for free state college tuition. We surely didn't expect all of that but the cost factor for adoption was what got us looking into social services. That, and giving a child who truly needed a good home a chance. Our son, who is bi-racial (Af. Am & Hispanic) (we are white) is beautiful and perfect - he is 11 mos old and I constantly get comments on how handsome he is! Truthfully, we weren't sure at first about raising a bi-racial child or a child of another race because we werent' sure we had a diverse enough base of friends and family to make him feel comfortable but I can not imagine anything else now! He is Mommy and Daddy's little love!
Posted by: Karen B at 8:38am Nov 5
Thanks so much for the information in this article, as well as all of your comments. My husband and I are considering adoption as we have struggled with infertility. We are just beginning to research domestic vs. international. This information is very helpful.
Posted by: Jen S at 7:50pm Mar 11
I liked the comment by the older mom. I too am an older adoptive mom (50). I didn't think a birthmom would choose me due to mine and my husbands older age. But, they did. We have two beautiful daughters that we adopted from birth and they are one year apart. Age is only a number as long as you have youthful energy and a positive attitude.
Posted by: Paula at 2:11pm May 5
My husband and I adopted our 3 children domestically, from birth. For our first adoption, we were matched with a couple but before the baby was born they decided to marry and parent their child. We were disappointed in the loss of a chance for a baby, but were happy for them. We still keep in touch by facebook! Soon after, we were matched with our son's birthmother. When he was 15 months we started the adoption process again, thinking it would take at least a year, but 3 months later our daughter was born. When she was 15 months, our son's birthmother asked us to parent her 2nd baby. So we ended up with 3 kids under the age of 3, despite the fact that the average wait is 1 1/2 years -- know that it can go much faster than that! In our state (CA) and with our agency (Bethany Christian Services), the relinquishment period took about 10 days. Our children's birthmothers signed the relinquishment the day they left the hospital, it was sent the next day at 5:00, and then took 3-10 days for it to be filed. This short time period was very reassuring for us. We were also very glad that our agency provides counseling for all birthparents, so that they are sure of their decision. I would never want a birthmother to make a quick decision that she wasn't sure was right and then have no time to change her mind. From what we could see, our children's birthmothers were for the most part unwavering in their decision because they had thought it through very well and knew this was what they wanted for their child. We enjoy great relationships with our children's birthmothers and their families. They are very respectful and let us initiate contact, although sometimes I wish they felt more comfortable initiating it! We get together every 3 or 4 months and stay in touch by email or facebook. They've come to our kid's birthday parties and have even babysat our children! In front of our kids they refer to me as "mom." They're great girls and we're so lucky to have them as part of our family!
Posted by: Krista at 2:37pm May 6
HI, I ADOPTED A CHILD FROM OVERSEAS. IN A PRIVATE ADOPTION. I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF A WONDERFUL 10 MONTH BOY. HIS MOM SPOKE ENGLISH TO HIM. DIDN'T SPOIL HIM AT ALL.SHE HAD HIM BECAUSE OF A SITUTION, NO WOMAN, WANTS TO GO THROUGH(GANG RAPE). SO SHE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE. SHE WENT TO A LAWYER, IN HER COUNTRY, AFTER SHE TALKED WITH ME. HE MADE THE ARRANGEMENTS, BC, VISA, AND SOMEONE TO TRAVEL WITH HIM IN FLIGHT. SHE SIGNED PAPERS FOR ME TO HAVE HIM. AND I PICKED HIM UP AT THE AIRPORT. AND HE HAD FIXED PAPERS WHERE SHE WANTED ME TO ADOPT HIM. SHE AND I PAID THE LAWYER AAND HE'S GREAT AND ADOPTED TO HERE IN USA. COST ABOUT $3000 FEES AND AIRFLIGHT. I SEND HER PICS AND CONVERSE WITH HER ABOUT EVERYDAY. SHE'S HAPPY, SHE CAN GET ON WITH HER LIFE. NO SCAM. I WAS SO VERY HAPPY. HE'S A GREAT BABY AND LOVES IT HERE. AND HIS NEW ROOM. BUT NO TV, IN ROOM. SLEEPS LIKE A BABY.
Posted by: EMMA at 8:47pm Dec 18
When my husband and I decided to adopt, I sent off for informational packets from several adoption agencies. The first round of pamphlets that came in happened to be from international adoption agencies, which I brought to work. A co-worker of mine saw my literature, and asked me if I was open to a domestic adoption. I informed her that, in addition to a few local agencies I was waiting to get packets from, I had made several calls to our local Department Of Health and Human Services, and had received no call back. She then asked me about adopting "older" kids, or sibling groups. She asked if my husband and I had a preference of boys or girls. I told her that older kids were fine, we did not care if we got boys or girls, and that if we could get children that were biological siblings, that would be great! I did not know that she was a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) and that she had a particular couple of siblings in mind. I called my husband to make sure that he was on board with meeting the kids, which we did the following week. 11 months and 14 days after that first meeting, we were standing in a court room finalizing the adoption of our 6 year old and 2 year old. Three years later, and I cannot imagine how we lived without them. :-) As crazy as it sounds, our adoption wound up costing us no money at all. When you take into consideration the fact that we received the customary board payment during our months of fostering, I think we actually came out ahead when all was said and done. The state required us to foster our children for 6 months before they would allow the adoption (in order to assure a "good fit") and the transition from fostering to adoption was paid for by our state (Arkansas); since our adoption was considered a "hard placement" (sibling group AND older child). We have several friends that have also gone the adoption route, and have referred a few of them to DHHS. One couple wound up meeting a child that had been fostered with our kids, and they wound up adopting him! Adopting through DHHS is not for everyone. The chances of getting an infant are slim, and many of the children come from pasts of abuse. In many cases, they will require intensive attention and work. It became abundantly clear shortly after the kids came to live with us that either my husband or I needed to stay home to address certain issues and to make our oldest feel more secure. I have been blessed in my ability to stay home and watch our kids grow, and especially to see my oldest gain confidence from the love drawn from our family. Like I said earlier, three years down the road, and I cannot imagine how we lived without them. :-)
Posted by: TLSF at 6:58am Mar 11
This article is so full of it! We have lost over $40,000 in four failed adoption attempts and we have been trying for more than five years. The adoption industry has serious issues with fraud and corruption. They are making zero efforts to fix these problems. Tell me again, how you can complete an adoption in a month?
Posted by: Shane at 12:51pm Jul 9
I have to admit- I had a lot of these myths in mind when we were approached about adopting our son. My husband and I had gone through 9 years of infertility treatments with plans to do yet another cycle when a friend of a friend asked if we'd be willing to adopt her baby. It was really random how it all came about - we weren't even LOOKING to adopt! From the time we started the process to the day we saw our sons birth (yes we got to be in the delivery room) it was only 10 days . . . Our lawyer was frantic, but it all worked out. Our birth mother is amazing! We love her :-) In our case I really hope she doesn't "move on" like the article says many do. I think it would truly be a loss for us and for our son. Shane -- I am so sorry for what you have gone through in your adoption process. My husband and I have friends who've been in similar circumstances :-( The truth is that the vast majority of adoptions are fine . . but there are those that, for whatever reason, are really put through the wringer. I don't know why and my heart aches for you and those like you.
Posted by: Nicole at 9:39pm Jul 19
I love this article. We had a fast adoption. 8 months from the day we first met with our agency to the time our daughter was placed in our arms. Everything went smoothly and the total cost was $10K, which I do believe is low. I do not think the wait time is unusual though.
Posted by: Genevieve's Mom at 5:12pm Nov 6
My husband and I are in Arizona and want to adopt domestically. I just don't know where to start. Does anyone have any suggestions for AZ adoptions?
Posted by: Christina at 10:52am Mar 10
Hi Christina, I would recommend that you visit The Adoption Guide at http://theadoptionguide.com/options/domestic-adoption, which offers comprehensive information for pre-adoptive parents on how to adopt. In addition, we have a list of adoption professionals that work in Arizona, as well as adoption resources specific to Arizona here: http://arizona-adoptions.adoptivefamilies.com/. I hope this is helpful! Good luck. -Kate, Adoptive Families
Posted by: Kate at 8:32am Mar 12
My husband and I are in New Jersey and want to adopt domestically. I just don't know where to start. Does anyone have any suggestions for NJ adoptions
Posted by: Melissa at 9:58am Apr 3
If the agency were to tell you that aioptdon is a $6 Billion business, then you maybe wouldn't have put your child into the aioptdon machine. If everyone stops putting their child in the machine, then no more money they aren't about to lose that! It's imperative to keep pregnant mothers in the dark and make them think that what they are doing is noble and right. A straight-from-the-womb baby is tens of thousands of dollars currently. And the demand keeps growing. Foreign countries are putting bigger restrictions on their children being adopted out. So, the people who want babies are going to keep demanding and keeping opening up their wallets wider and wider. When you have that kind of money involved, it's impossible to keep corruption and greed out of the picture.Most adoptees that I know weren't put in better situations, only different situations. And most are not grateful that they aren't with their original families. But, we adapt. We pretend. We try and be like the people we are placed with most of us falling short because we really aren't anything like them.
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Posted by: Charles at 11:24pm Aug 30
So I read your article. It seems a little slanted. So according to your references only 18,000 adoptions occur. More than one million couples are chasing thoses 18,000 infants. Or stated another way, a couple has only a 2% chance of adoption an infant or only 1 out of 60 couples will be successful in adoption. Those are some long odds. I cannot imagine why so many couples are frustrated and angry at the US Adoption industry. Especially, when you consider that 59 couples fail to adopt for every one couple that succeeds. http://www.voagno.org/Services/Children-Youth-Family/Adoption-Services/Adoption-Facts http://www.lovematters.com/adoption.htm
Posted by: John at 4:40am Sep 16
it is very upsettng on the prices to adopt a child I am a female who is only 21 years old and the doctors are talking about taking my uterus out soon to signs of cancer that is growing..my fiance and I have talked about adopt but there is no way we can save 10,000 and up for a child and start a family by this year or next year....and everything else is expensive also to be able to have a baby....unless your weathly already or have a family with lots of many...how can middle class who doesn't make a grand in 2 weeks and etc have babies...when all these rich and famous people can have 6 children that they adopted! they should make it equal forever not just the rich and wealthy who have 6 to 7 cars and a maid or nanny who takes care of their dirty work!
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Well, I've been waiting 3.8 years for a baby girl...my other friends have waited 2.5 to 3 years. I think it does a disservice to highlight one lucky couple. I know very few people who have been so lucky.
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