When a Birthmother Moves onFamilies may find that birthparent contact wanes as the years pass. With a little flexibility, you can keep the connection alive.
By Julie Michaels  One of the chief complaints of parents in identified adoptions is that birthmothers fail to stay in touch. Just when a child becomes old enough to truly understand adoption, the birthmother may become less available.
This is what happened to Anna, age eight, whose birthmother used to visit her every year. She had always sent her cards on her birthday and presents at Christmas. Over time, however, Anna heard from her less and less. What happened?
Life Happens
"Sandy was young when she had Anna," says her mother, Brenda. "But she was totally committed to her well-being. She was very active in selecting a family who would welcome her continued involvement—which we did."
In the early years, Sandy loved her annual visits. She didn’t mind the three-hour journey from her home, and Brenda would often arrange for them to meet halfway. But Sandy’s life moved on. When Anna was six, her birthmother married and had a child.
"Birthparents tend to be younger than adoptive parents," writes Lois Melina in Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent’s Guide. "They are busy establishing careers, developing new relationships, and building their own families." Though a birthparent’s growing absence can be painful to a child, Melina counsels parents to be honest. When a child insists that his birthmother has forgotten him, don’t tell him that he’s mistaken. Instead, acknowledge his feelings and explain the birthparent’s behavior without excusing or condemning it.
Brenda explained to Anna that Sandy didn’t have the time and freedom she’d had in the past. Rather than wait for a letter from Sandy, Brenda suggested that Anna write to her and send a drawing to the new baby.
As life situations change, families should consider changes in their visiting arrangements. You may have to explain to your child that regular visits are no longer possible. Or you might begin to do the traveling.
Anna’s birthmom was delighted with the letter, and she sent Anna photos of her little brother. The photos made Anna feel included in Sandy’s life, and she put them on her bulletin board. Brenda felt better, too. By allowing their arrangement to evolve, they preserved a vital connection.
Julie Michaels, an editor and writer, lives with her family in Massachusetts.
Talking About Change
Even under the best of circumstances, the relationship between your child and his birthmother may change. If she pulls away:
Stick to the facts. Explain the situation simply, and emphasize that he’s not to blame. You might say, "Your birthmother has just had a new baby. She’s probably so busy right now that she doesn’t have enough energy to call or write all the people she loves." Using the present tense suggests that things may change in the future.
Give him ways to stay in touch. If your child wants to maintain contact with his birthmom, have him write letters, draw pictures, or send photos. Explain that he might not hear back as often as he’d like, but that he can keep her up to date. (He can also keep a journal at home, where he expresses his feelings.)
Be realistic and remain flexible. As a birthmother settles down and builds her own family, you may have to explain to your child that frequent visits and contact are no longer possible. Let your roles in the relationship evolve—instead of hosting her for visits, you might start traveling to see your child’s birthmother.
Fill in the gaps. During times when communication is scarce, share stories about your child’s birthmom, or look at old photographs or letters. Even if your child has heard these tales (or seen these pictures) before, he may enjoy revisiting them now.
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