A Mother by Any Other NameIs the term 'birthmother' an example of appropriate, positive language—or an offensive and demeaning label?By Denise Roessle
I don't recall being referred to as anything—birth-, natural, or biological mother—when I relinquished my son for adoption in 1970. If I had shared my secret afterward, I might well have been called something: a slut, a bad mother, or, worse (at least to me), a saint.
Better, I decided, to be nobody.
By the time my son and I reunited, 26 years later, his adoptive mother had died, so he had no mother except me. He called me Mom from the start. I was thrilled, despite my doubt that I deserved the title. The first time I heard the term "birthmother" was in a search/reunion support group. I took no offense. Birthmother seemed appropriate: I had given birth to, but had not raised, my son.
Only recently did I discover that many birthmothers and adoptees object to "b-language" ("birth-" or "biological"). Some consider it demeaning, insisting that "natural," "first," or "mother" are the only acceptable labels for women who have "lost children to adoption." I began to wonder: Had I been in a weakened state when I assumed the b-mother title? Or are those who object to it being overly sensitive?
The term "natural mother" was once used in adoption documents, but social workers began replacing it in the 1970s, citing "birthmother" as more adoption-friendly. Positive Adoption Language (PAL), outlined by social worker Marietta Spencer, in 1979, has standardized the terms birthmother, birthfather, and birthparent.
The stated objective of PAL is to "promote adoption as a way to build a family, equally important and valid as birth." "Real" and "natural" are now considered negative; "birth" or "biological" are positive. "Give up" and "surrender" have been replaced by "make an adoption plan" or "choose adoption." Does this reflect the true experience of adoption? I certainly never "chose" adoption nor made a "plan."
"Neither adoptive parents nor social workers consulted with the people they were naming," said Sandra Falconer Pace, director of the Canadian Council of Natural Mothers. "Politically correct language arose from the right of a people to name themselves. For example, we once referred to 'the Eskimo people,' but now use their own term for themselves, 'the Inuit.' We refer to 'African-American people' because that is the term they have chosen for themselves."
Perhaps it isn't about words, but about who decides which words will be used. As Toni Morrison wrote about political correctness, it is more about having the power to define others. When it comes to adoption, the power clearly lies with the industry: agencies, social workers, pregnancy counselors, attorneys, and legislators. A mother may refer to herself as a birthmother, but bristle when the term is assigned to her by someone else.
It seems to me that, for all of our professed political correctness, language has become more divisive in recent years, and we are all easily offended. Almost every post-adoption website I've visited displays some degree of bias. There are those who resent the b-words and yet refer to adoptive parents as "adopters" or even "abductors." Have we, like the rest of our culture, fallen prey to the "us against them" mentality?
The words we choose are important, and respect is a two-way street. It's unlikely that we will ever agree on language that suits everyone's needs. We can and should use the words that resonate with us. Although I use the term less frequently these days, I reserve the right to call myself a birthmother (even though experience tells me the general public is likely to think that means I was a surrogate). If another mother wants to be called something else, I will respect her wishes. What I will not stand for is our being collectively labeled to disparage or manipulate our significance as mothers.
DENISE ROESSLE is a freelance writer who lives in Arizona. She’s active in post-adoption organizations, such as PACER (Post-Adoption Center for Education and Research).
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Comments
Well said, Denise. The loss of my first child to adoption happened very close in time to yours - 1968. I was fortunate to have happened to be introduced to CUB (Concerned United Birthparents) very early on. I remember the discussions about Lee Campbell asking for us to be called "birth" mothers rather than "biological" which became shortened to bio-mothers.I was never crazy about the term as I initially did not see much difference between the two. But I simply got used to is and after all, like you, was proud that I had given birth to ALL of my children and pleased to be identifed as being connected to my first daughter by blood and genetics...a connections she could NOT have with her adptive family. I was not active with anything to do with adoption for about ten years subsequent to my daughter's death in 1995. I returned to the "b-word" wars with a notable and respected author being censored from speaking at a NYC conference. I always fully understood the politics of self-identification, but the extent of the anger among and between mothers has never ceased to befuddle me. I believe that each of us and ou children has the right to identify themselves and those they love. Some people call their mother-in-law Mom and some don't. A mother with any amount of self-confidence does not feel insulted to lesser if her married child refers to his or her in-laws in this loving and respectful manner. Having said that, there is one place the b-word absolutely, positively, never, ever belongs: when referring to an expectant mother. A mother-to-be is just that, At best the word birthmother means a woman eho has surrendered a child to adoption. To call an expectant mother a birthmother - or even a birthmother-to-be is coercive as it sets up one and only one "decision." I invite all to read: http://tinyurl.com/4xxwme
Posted by: Mirah Riben at 8:47pm Jun 24
Years ago I was watching an interview of Barbara Walters and her adopted daughter. Barbara and her daughter used the terms tummy mommy and heart mommy to refer to the biological mother and the adoptive mother, Walters. At the time, long before I was married or had children, I couldn't help but smile and think how appropriate the terms were. Our two adopted adopted daughters, Jasmine and Avery, know that they physically grew in their tummy mommy's belly, but that all the while the idea of them was growing in our hearts. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote a four line poem that reads "You were made perfectly/ to be loved- and surely/ We have loved you, in the idea of you/ our whole lives long." We have this poem hanging on our wall underneath a photo of our adoption finalization day. I feel that the terms tummy mommy and heart mommy give each mother a sense of pride. When I told our tummy mommy that we refer to her as tummy mommy, she couldn't be more pleased. She loves being the tummy mommy and I love being the heart mommy. Sara
Posted by: Sara Desjardins at 11:43am Jun 25
We have always used the terms "first mom" and "forever mom" ... it has worked well for both of our kids. Both of our first mom's also love the term. For our family we wanted something that was similar in tone but definitive too. As our kids have gotten older (ages 7 & 11) they have understood the term because it is so "simple". Our 11 yr old daughter told me recently that she always loved the term "forever mom" when we talked about her adoption, she said it made her feel safe! An added bonus!
Posted by: Chris at 12:09pm Jun 25
Personally, I was surprised to read that there are birthmothers who have a problem with that term. Though I do not know many birthmothers, to those I do know this is the preferred term, because it recognizes that they are a mother to the child they placed for adoption and the significant act of carrying and giving birth to the child. Also I have to say that as someone who became mother through adoption I have a problem with the term "natural mother" used to describe the role of birthmother because it seems to mean that I am an unnatural mother being that I adopted and did not give birth to my child. As for my two year old adopted daughter we refer to her birthmother with this term and tummy mommy because that is what she most understands at this point in her life.
Posted by: Lyla at 11:13am Jun 27
My adopted children are three and four years old. I am terrified of the day they ask me about their birth. I love them so much I just don't want them to know they were adopted. I am afraid that they would not understand. I just can't imagine a child understanding all this. I do not want to use any term with the word "Mother" in it. I am their Mother now and Forever. The "Birth Mother" was 17 years old and was no "Mother". I might just say "a young girl in Russia gave birth to you in a baby home. And then explain how we flew half way around to find them.
Posted by: Sharon at 12:32pm Jun 27
I am the author of the article. I hadn't planned on coming here to view the comments. But I did and now I feel compelled to respond. "Tummy mommy" is akin to "biological." And yes, we are their biological mothers. But they are in our hearts as well. ALWAYS! We don't move on and forget them. Would you? So "heart mommy" -- as in the ONLY heart mother -- isn't exactly accurate. Adopted children are loved by both mothers, both families. Don't forget that "chosen children" often feel "unchosen" by their original moms. Doesn't lead to good self esteem to know that someone, for whatever reason, didn't "choose" you. As if they weren't good enough. And that is how children may interpret this. I also object to the term "natural." As Lyla said, it implicates that the adoptive mother is unnatural, and I don't think that is fair. As for "forever mom," hmmmm... let's say your mother (married to your father) dies when you are still a child. She is still your mother, always and forever. Any subsequent woman that your father may marry becomes your step-mother. Not your ex-mother (as in ex-wife, if there is a divorce). Just think about it. A mother is forever: both by birth and adoption. I see nothing wrong with a child being loved by two women, two families. Can a child have too much love? Sharon, you scare me. I hope you come to grips with the situation and can be honest with your children. They are young right now but do prepare yourself for the moment of truth. My son's adoptive parents didn't tell him he was adopted. He found out in therapy at age 12, by accident, and all hell broke loose. He no longer trusted his parents and acted out accordingly. Read up on this. Get some support for how to approach the subject. Just please do not think it will be okay to "ignore it and it will go away." I am grateful for the voice that Adoptive Families has given birth parents. I appreciate that they understand that we don't disappear, that we have feelings and the right to be heard. And finally, I must add to all the adoptive moms out there: were you sexually active at 15, 16, 17, 18 or whenever? Could you be one of us? Could you have been pregnant and coerced by family, society, church or your own insecurities into believing that you could not mother? That's how most of you got to become mothers. We are people, women who loved our children and depend on you to do right by us.
Posted by: Denise Roessle at 9:45pm Jun 27
Dear Denise, I'm sorry my opinion scared you. I HAVE done research and I am "prepared". I just dread the day the question comes up. I have heard Birthmother and child reunion storys that don't turn out so good. And this opposite situation also sent the child now an adult to seek therapy after the encounter. The Birthmother did move on and did not want to be found. I have tons of respect for you and ALL Birthmothers. I don't doubt that Birthmothers truly love their babies. And I thank God everyday for our children and for the opportunity to adopt. But that does not mean I HAVE TO give the woman who gave birth to my children a title with the word "MOTHER" in it.
Posted by: Sharon at 12:54pm Jun 28
I am a soon to be adoptive mother and yes I have thought of how I want to approach this situation, but all in all it is not the term you use that is important it is how you approach and treat the situation!! A name is just a name the way you treat a person and represent them is what is truly important! I agree as an adoptive mother it is scarey to think of the word mother when thinking of a birhtmother, however if it were not for her we would ever be holding this child. She did not have to carry it for 9months, she did not have to choose life and she did. I hope and pray for a birthmother who will want to meet once a year and want to be a part of my child's life. The more people who love us the better! I will probably use birthmother as the term, but it is how I will talk about her and describe her to our child that will portray who she was and even if she is a person who is not leading a healthy or life with drugs or something else, I will still describe her to my child in a respectable way no matter what term I use, she will be praised in our home! Like I said without her I will never be a mom, she truly is the one who created the gift I will one day be given.
Posted by: Joelle at 5:18am Jun 30
We debated for a while about what term to use for the wonderful woman who gave birth to our son. We finally decided to call her by her name, as well as birthmother. We do the same for his birthfather. When we tell his story we say that he has a birthmother and her name is ... and a birthfather and his name is... and then for the rest of the story we just use their names. At his age it’s easier for him to understand their names. Not to mention it's much easier to say their names vs. birthmother/birthfather every time we talk about them.
Posted by: Donna at 6:49am Jul 2
I feel like the internet is a double edged sword. On one hand we can reach out to each other, and understand. But I am beginning to question the wisdom of reading blogs by (first/birth/bio/natural) mothers. I have read ones that express such anger at adoptive families, and there is not indication of wrongdoing or dishonesty. Some have said that they hate the term :forever family: I think the origin of that term was developed for the children, to underscore the sense of permanency and unconditional place in their adoptive family. Aside from situations where an expectant mother has been coerced, I think that you can use a lot of different terms and someone will find fault. As a mother in an open adoption, we addressed early on my daughters birth mother's assumption that she would be called "mom" I have thought long and hard about this and in our situation, its not appropriate. She often calls her birthmom H, or just H, but in her early childhood ( we adopted her at 1.5 days old) it is too confusing for her to address two women as mom. One is someone she sees as often as once a month, and the other is me, who has been parenting her since she was a day and half old. I actually think all the terms first, birth, bio, natural mother are all accurate. I am her adoptive mother. In the end, and I say this, because its the truth, not because I want to "get credit" only one of us gave birth to R, and only one of us is raising her. In learning about open adoption practices, I have taken in books, blogs, etc. and while my heart still aches when I think of my dd's birth mother, I can't make all my decisions centered around her pain, and what might hurt her or not. I have to do what I think is best for my child. I am always concerned when I hear of adoptive parents who do not acknowledge the unique connection to their bio family. But I am equally concerned when I hear of birth mothers or families talks abut reuniions with the children as adults and describing the time with the adoptive families as a mistake, or almost pretending it didn't happen. Not only does that obviously hurt adoptive families, but it hurts the adopted person . Regardless of their feelings towards their parents, and adoption,, I feel so strongly that its important to own their life story. I have adopted and I have given birth . I adopted first, after a short course of fertility tx. I met people who would rather have no child than a non-biological child. As a one of the many who considered adoption early on, I am formed by my own experiences. My mother found her biological father (absent from age 2) in her late 40's. While she felt completed in learning about her relatives from her father, she didn't find a deeper connection to them . She was raised by her stepfather, who formally adopted her when she was 6. She supported my decision to pursue open ness in adoption, but not because she felt that the connection to the first family is stronger or more important. As someone who chooses to adopt, you can pretty much assume that I am someone who believes that connections made through shared memories, daily care, etc are the ones we wanted, versus needing to see our physcial selves in a child. With that belief, I put the majority of my energy and resources in this famlly , and consider R first famly now a part of our extended family. Lastly, I want to say that its really easy to assume that all adopted persons, all birth mothers, all adoptive families feel the same. Each story is different.
Posted by: eandjmadre at 6:55am Jul 2
I adopted my daughter when she was 5 months old. She says that she does not ever remember not knowing that she was adopted. I read to her from the time she came home. there are wonderful books for children. The book that helped her ask the question "Whose tummy was I in?" was the book by Jamie Leigh Curtis "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" I told her that the lady lived in Paraquay and told her her name. My daughter has always refered to the birthmother as "my birthmother or my mother" She told me later if I had not told her all along that sh would be furoius with my aand would feel that she could not trust me. We ahd this conversation because a friend of ours had not yet told her 4 1/2 year old that she was adopted. Our friend could not figure out the "Right" time. Sharon I also worry about you and your children. You need to tell them soon. They are not you birth children they do have another mother and father and very possibly sibling. Do not deny them their heritage. They will not love you less but you can never have too many people that love you. Their birth moms chose to carry them to term so they most likely cared about the baby and the that is a form of love. My daughter says I am glad my mom cared enough to give birth to me she did not abort me. She is 16 and is very aware of the facts of life. We have our children because someone else was their birth parent and was unable to raise them.
Posted by: Kathy at 10:09pm Jul 10
I have a daughter who was adopted by her step father young. Both her adoptive father and biological father are adopted themselves. Her Bio father always knew and did not want contact with the bio grandmother that forced her way into our lives. He kept contact professing interest only in any inheritance. My second husband wanted desperately to find his bio family only to discover the answers were paritally enough. His adoptive family was violently opposed to his looking though their relationship ended when my husband left. I have siblings from both parents who were adopted out prior to their marriage. I always knew about my mother's daughter...though she never knew her kids knew. I found out about my father's as an adult a couple years ago. After listening to our ordeals with my husbands' families and my daughter, he had continued to lie to us. I felt betrayed and stupid. I forgave him and loved him, but I still remember that he lied. I have chosen to not seek them because of the experiences I have had with biological families. My daughter now, working on her family tree, has made contact with her father. I understand the insecurity of birth families. I understand the loss they feel. I also understand the same need to know adoptees feel to know their heritage...it is the same I feel doing my genealogy. I only have two thoughts...unless a person is coerced to give up rights, adoptive parents are not abductors and people who refuse to tell their children "because they love them so much" are "building" a life on lies that will haunt them. I have helped others find their families and I know from personal experience. Lying and nastiness towards the other is not conducive to love and strong families.
Posted by: Andi at 6:30am Aug 5
We are about to finalize our adoption of a baby we got to pick up from the hospital at 3 days old. I say mother and mom about both of us. I honestly don't know if that will change with the finalization. I might feel more comfortable just calling myself mother. My husband doesn't like it when I refer to both of us as mother. Unfortunately, I have found myself confusing things with others who are or have adopted by doing that. I know we will need to find some differentiation also, since Jacob is getting older. I just assume if I am the one referring to "mother" or "mom", it is obvious what I mean. When he asks ME about "mother" or "mommy" I will know what he is meaning. (One more reason for not referring to yourself in 3rd person.) I think that in MOST conversations it would be obvious to anyone that is close or matters anyway. This will change according to what Jacob wants as he gets older too.
Posted by: Heather at 7:48am Aug 9
First, I want to say that I am very grateful to my daughter's "birthmother." If it was not for her we would not have K. I will always tell K about how special her birthmom is--but I will use her first name when I talk about her. I am the one who she calls mommy and I am the one who takes care of her and I am the one who she calls for in the middle of the night when she is scared. We have a semi-open adoption--I send letters and photos to her. Also, I want to say that after we adopted K--she is 2years old. I got pregnant and we had a baby boy. I love both my children the same--not matter how I became their mommy.
Posted by: Jennifer at 11:55am Oct 27
Denying that your child's bio mom is still in fact, a mother, is denying the existance of part of your child. You should celebrate that your child has two mommies. I refer to my child's mom as "bianni mommie". My daughter loves to tell people she has two mommies and is proud of her own story. Please don't deny that truth from your child. It is not a contest! Don't be jealous that you did not give birth to your child. You are the one that gets to celebrate birth days, tuck your child into bed, read the stories, put on band aides, get the hugs, the mother's day gifts, etc. Celebrate!
Posted by: kasie at 6:44pm May 8
I refer to my daughter's "first mother" as her "chinese mother" and I am her "mother". I know that her Chinese mother appreciates this term. She gave birth to my daughter and wanted her. For a variety of reasons, she was not able to keep her and so I want to honor her choice and pain in this matter. So, I use the term" Chinese mother" and "Chinese family". Also, the term " natural mother" is offensive to me because I agree that is sounds like adoptive mothers are somehow un-natural.
Posted by: Odette Petrini at 11:30am Sep 1
Wow -- so many opinions! I am both an adopted child, and an adoptive parent. I was born in 1965, and although mine was a closed adoption (as usual at that time) my parents were always open about the fact that I was adopted, as were 2 of my brothers. It was never a big secret, never a big deal. My (bio) sister and I used to get a kick out of the fact that people who knew our family couldn't remember which of us was adopted. I don't remember having any special terms for the woman who gave birth to me -- I suppose, given the "language" of the time, I would have said "real" mother -- although there has never been any doubt in my mind that my adoptive mom is also my real mom -- we are very close. My own adopted children are in a different situation - they are easily identified as adopted because they area different race than my husband and I. We have used the terms "first" and "China Mommy" -- although how her Chinese mother would feel about this is purely a matter on conjecture, since I can only speculate about the circumstances surrounding my daughter's abandonment (or my son's). We talk openly about the adoptions (my daughter came on my son's adoption trip) and have collected any possible information about the children's histories. We also try to maintain ties with their orphanages, since there is a whole other set of people who have loved and cared for them at a point in their lives. My kids are 3 and 5. Sharon (and anyone else who dreads the conversation) start talking to your kids -- the earlier the better -- they CAN understand, and the sooner they have the story, the more natural and normal it will be for them -- start with an adoption picture book (like the one by Jamie Lee Curtis, or one that more closely matches your own adoption story) , or make their own "life book" into a storybook they can read and talk about. Don't make a big deal about "revealing the secret" -- just follow your kids' lead, and answer their questions simply and honestly.
Posted by: Kristen at 1:52pm Sep 2
As a birthmom, I have always been referred to by Nikki, my name. I don't need any more labels that make society look at me and my choices I have made. My son calls me Nikki, he talks about me as Nikki. Why not use a first name? Why give labels?
Posted by: Nikki at 7:55pm Jan 22
I would like to hear how other birthmother's feel about being called by thier first name. Out of respect, our other children add mr. or mrs. to adults first names. How would you feel being referred to as your birthmother ms. or msr. Cindy, or bithfather mr. john? We are in the process of domestic adoption and trying to figure this out. I would think it would be good for the child to know thier birthparent by thier name from the beginning making them more real. They would never wonder about thier actual name. What do you all feel? Birthmother just feels awkward to me, because it a new term I suppose. I want to feel comfortable talking to my child about how they came to our family not seeming nervous because I am trying not to trip over my words.
Posted by: Sarah at 9:44am Feb 15
I was convinced in 1972 that I could not parent my daughter. To me that is coersion. So I lost her to adoption. I surrendered my right to parent her, yes, I signed the paper, having no other option allowed to me. Fast forward 26 years, and I searched and found my baby, now a grown up woman. We have now been in reunion since 1998. We now have a RELATIONSHIP. I am her MOTHER. My body created her, I carried her, and I birthed her. No, I did not raise her, but I've been with her through a wedding, a divorce, another wedding, two babies, and a miriad of other life experiences. I have "mothered" her for 13 1/2 years. I am her mother. I have asked her not to use the term "b!%$#mother" or bio or natural. If she cannot call me her mother, then just call me Kathy. She cannot call me mother. But I don't want to have my sexual history broadcasted every time the b!%$# term is used for introductions, ect.. That is not respectful or necessary. I am her mother. I acknowledge that she has another mother, her adoptive mother. My daughter has two mothers. But just because I was not allowed to raise her, I should not have to be punished for the rest of my life with disrespect. Doris is her mother, but I am her mother, too. She has two mothers.
Posted by: Kathy at 10:37am Feb 19
I am resubmitting as I used my alternate e-mail before and it is possible I did not type it correctly: Reading the responses to these types of articles always makes me sad. Some adoptive parents "get it" and some so clearly don't. We who have lost children to adoption are real people who love and grieve just like you do. We were sexual at a point in time when we were not able to raise a child as the result of that union. I've just described the actions of about 95% of the human race, including adoptive parents. For some of us, that sexuality was forced upon us without our consent while for others the sex act was chosen willingly. What makes us different from others is that we became pregnant, carried our child, gave birth to our children, and then made the most supreme sacrifice that a PARENT can make, which is to put the needs of our child before ourselves and sacrifice our parenthood for our children. Rightly or wrongly, we believed those who told us that others could provide better for our children, so we relinquished them to that hoped for “better life”. Sometimes that relinquishment was forced upon us, sometimes that relinquishment was coerced, and sometimes it was with full understanding and consent. Regardless of how we got to that place, we lost our children into a system where so many strangers now declare we are not worthy, we cannot love, we do not grieve, and we do not exist - because it threatens their position in their own eyes. I had a choice when I found out I was pregnant as the result of date rape. I could abort or I could give my child life. Adoption was pushed on me at a later point in the process. I chose to carry a baby in an era when I could have aborted in secret without shame, while being pregnant out of wedlock was seen as a shameful, negative, hurtful sin against society. I protected my child, nurtured my child, gave my child life, loved him from the moment of conception, and continued to love him, all the while being labeled someone "bad" and "unworthy" because I was young and unmarried. That's quite a fall from being an honor student, at the top of her class, winning awards and being held up as an example. I chose to endure being scorned, having to drop out of high school, and being hidden away in secrecy and shame so that I could give my child life. I was a mother and parent to my child, and those roles did not stop at relinquishment. I continued to love him and grieve his loss, to have hopes and dreams for him, to put him and his needs before my own. All this was done in an atmosphere of shame, where I was told to keep quiet, sweep it under the rug, go on "as if" it had never happened. That is an impossible task, as I had suffered the greatest loss that a person can endure - the loss of a child. I continued to love and grieve for my lost child, who had become my ghost child. If I was not a mother, not a parent, not "real", would I have welcomed with open arms the angry, troubled young man who found me at 19 years old? The young man who called me Mom, who loved me, hated me, tested me, needed me, threw me away time and time again, all the while screaming silently that he needed his Mother to love him? I have endured more than a decade of this love/hate relationship that my Son has with me. He loves me because I am his Mother. He hates me because I am his Mother, and I was not there for him in body when he needed and wanted me. He loves his Adoptive Mother because she is his Mother and she was there for him in body and spirit, and he hates her because she is not me. We are both real, both important to him, and both necessary to him. I am not a "tummy" or "birth" anything. I am a real person, a real Mother who spent almost 20 years separated from her child and who suffered greatly as a result of that loss. Because I exist does not negate his Adoptive Mother, who is also real. However, her existence does not negate mine either. I did not cease to exist in actuality or in the heart of my son when we were separated. He needs both of his Mothers in his life to make him whole.
Posted by: Isabo at 1:31pm Feb 19
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