Working on Attachment

When you are at your desk from 9 to 5, how can you bond with your new baby? 

By Marybeth Lambe, M.D.

The wonder of adopting your baby and the thrill of bringing her home can be overshadowed by the knowledge that, too soon, you must return to work. Whether it's financially impossible for you to stay home, or you have a career that you cherish, parents often wonder: With limited hours at home, how can I continue to foster attachment with my new baby?

Bonding After Birth
Attachment is not just about your baby feeling connected and secure--it also means that you feel tenderness, love, and devotion for your little one. Many parents are embarrassed to admit that their love for their infant felt tenuous at first. Attachment is a journey, not an arrival. This is true for biological children as well as adopted ones. While some parents profess love at first sight, more parents admit (under duress!) that love took its time to appear.

With that in mind, spend as much time together as you can before you return to work. Limit the number of houseguests, and let it be only Mom or Dad who holds, feeds, and carries the baby for at least the first week.

Making Time for Baby
Once you rejoin the work force, remember that a young baby can never be held too much when you are at home. Holding conveys affection, tenderness, and safety. Attachment is also fostered by eye contact. Feeding your baby in the morning and evening offers relaxed opportunities for eye contact.

If you have to run errands in the evening, take the baby along. She can enjoy the sounds and sights while snuggled in a front chest pack (or a backpack, if she's older than five months and has good head control). A newborn will feel secure while seeing you, smelling you, and hearing your familiar voice.

Skin-to-skin contact builds bonding, so share a bath or shower with your baby in the evening. Bedtime offers singing or reading time, and quiet rocking. Parents may consider co-sleeping, or at least sleeping in the same room with the baby.

Some parents take classes in infant massage. Massage releases chemicals in the baby that help him relax. Soothing your baby with a gentle touch builds your love for this little being. 

Marybeth Lambe, M.D., is an adoptive mother, family physician, and writer. She lives with her family in Washington.

Childcare Checklist The best daycare situation is one where the baby is happy, well cared-for, and safe. Use this checklist when looking at daycare options for your child: Low caretaker turnover. Babies who are even a few months old are sensitive to caretaker turnover. Familiar smells, objects, and sounds. Does the daycare let you bring toys and blankets from home? Cost. An upbeat, kindhearted, and thoughtful nanny--while expensive--may let you continue on the schedule to which your little one is accustomed. Unplanned parent visits. Does the daycare allow drop-ins from Mom or Dad?   Low caretaker-to-child ratio. The recommended ratio is one to three for infants and one to five for toddlers. Understanding caretakers. Let your child's caretaker know that adopted babies (especially non-newborns) may have panicky days once in a while, and that you're just a phone call away.

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