Birds, Bees, & Adoption

“Where do babies come from?” Explaining reproduction is tough for all parents, and it’s even more complex for us. Here’s help.

When our daughter was six years old, she asked me, “Where do I come from?”

“Georgia,” I replied. “You were born in Atlanta.”

“No,” she was louder now. “Where do I come from?”

You are probably quicker than I in realizing that she was not asking for a geography lesson; rather, she wanted to understand her origins. Her next question sealed it: “Was I made from sex?”

Even though I had covered this territory with her older siblings, I’m embarrassed to admit that I remain squeamish about such discussions. Many of you may feel the same. It is hard to know exactly what to say and how to say it. Nevertheless, honest talk about sex is critical for our children. As parents, we want to be sure they feel at ease in coming to us for honest responses. As they grow, we want them to be able to turn to us, without shame or awkwardness, for help in understand their bodies and their sexuality. Most importantly, if we do not talk to our kids about sex, someone else will.

With children who were adopted, honesty is particularly important. Our children did not come from an adoption agency. They need to know they were conceived and born like every other child and then adopted into their forever family. Sometimes their story of origin is painful or uncertain, but it must be conveyed—in an age-appropriate fashion—if we are to have credibility as they grow.

When your child is old enough to ask questions, she is old enough for honest answers. Although the way your child asks sex-related questions may make you grin, you’ll want to avoid laughing at all cost—or your child may feel embarrassed and avoid further discussions.

If your child reaches age seven and has not asked questions or seems uninterested in talking about sex, you may need to initiate the discussion. Try to find apt moments—perhaps a television show will provide an opening, or a song on the radio. Adopted kids may have questions but be hesitant to reveal them. Some worry about sounding unappreciative if they ask about their birthparents. Some sense their parents’ anxiety about such topics or assume that, if they are supposed to know, we will tell them. Again, look for opportunities to open the conversation.

An Ongoing Dialogue

Our goal is to give our children the tools to avoid mediocre relationships, one-night stands, and casual sex—to protect them from sexual and emotional abuse for which ignorance leaves them vulnerable. We want them to develop healthy, loving relationships and to understand that their body is sacred and to be cared for. This isn’t achieved in one talk, but through years of open, honest discussions.

What to Talk About, Age by Age

Ages Three to Six

When a young child asks a question, it’s a good idea to find out why. “For example, if a child asks, ‘What do mommies and daddies do to make a baby?’ a parent could ask, ‘What made you bring that up?’ or, ‘Well, what do you think happens?’” suggests Doug Goldsmith, Ph.D., executive director of the Children’s Center in Salt Lake City. “This helps parents explore what is going on in the mind of the child.” They can then give more focused answers.

Simple, brief answers are best: “Babies grow inside their mommy’s tummy until they are ready to be born. They grow in a special place called a uterus.” Don’t use cute or made-up terms. Now is the time for your child to learn the correct anatomic language: penis, vagina, vulva, breasts, nipples.

A child at this age may not retain or even fully understand the information you offer. He may ask the same questions repeatedly. Just as preschoolers do not fully grasp the concept of adoption and their own adoption story, so do they have trouble understanding sex. This makes it even more imperative to keep explanations simple and concise.

If a child wants to know more, he’ll ask. If a question seems too mature or asks for details you feel are not yet suitable, it is all right to reply: “That’s a very good question, and we plan to talk to you about it when you are a little older, so we know you will understand.”

Your preschooler may ask, “Did I grow in your uterus?” It is important to be clear that he was created by a birthmother and birthfather and carried in his birthmother’s uterus. Many young children express sadness because they lacked this ultimate closeness with you. You’ll want to empathize, saying, “I wish you’d been in my tummy too,” or “You were born in my heart.”

Children this age are often more concerned with birth than conception, so you might discuss, briefly, what giving birth is like. Because adopted children sometimes feel they were born “unnaturally,” it’s critical they know that they entered the world the same as all babies. Speaking about your child’s birth sets the stage for discussion about why he was placed for adoption and helps him understand he has a history that includes his birthparents. Repeated over the years, this helps him to believe it is acceptable and good to talk about this history.

Ages Seven to Twelve

What does it mean to have sex? Do you have to be married to have a baby?

At this age, kids become curious about the mechanics of sex. Your explanation might be: “A man and a woman lie close together and feel loving toward each other. The man’s penis fits inside the woman’s vagina. That’s called sexual intercourse.” Beyond the mechanics, discussions with children in this age range should be about sexuality in general—which includes understanding relationships and gender orientation, as well as sexual intercourse.

Be prepared for a reaction of disgust or embarrassment. Let your child know this is natural and common and that she will feel differently as she grows older. School-age children need time to digest information and to ask further questions. This is also the time to begin imparting your own family values, such as abstinence. In addition, you can reinforce the idea that sex is a positive and wonderful experience and making love is a profound bond between two people.

School-age children who were adopted frequently mention that they feel like they were hatched or born in a non-natural way. This is particularly true if their life stories have been told beginning with the first meeting or “gotcha day” rather than with conception and birth. So, as with younger children, your grade-schooler needs to be reminded and reassured that she was born just as any other child is born—that her birth was normal and was not the reason she was placed for adoption. If available, the specific facts around your child’s birth should be shared with her. If this history is unknown, the likely circumstances can be told: “You were probably born in a hospital….”

Such discussions can lead to the important topic of why your child was placed for adoption. Helping her to understand that her birthparents could not take care of any baby is critical. In this way you help dispel any perception that it was some negative characteristic of hers that caused her to be placed for adoption.

At this age your child will likely be interested in the idea of relationships—and may want to know if her birthparents were married. A child born out of wedlock may want to know if this makes her different from or inferior to her friends. If you avoid the tough questions or act hesitant, you communicate that her queries are painful and uncomfortable. Soon the questions stop coming, and a child is left feeling that discussions of sex or adoptive history are taboo. It is important to be honest.

Ages 13 and up

You and your child have probably been engaging in discussions about sex since early childhood. Even if you haven’t, it’s not too late to start. Teenagers, however, almost never initiate these conversations, so it’s up to you. Now is the time for give-and-take dialogue about contraception, abstinence, date rape, and other important subjects.

Remember that sexual behavior is not an inherited trait. You have had years to instill your family’s values. Because her birthmother got pregnant does not mean that your child will. If you have such fears, examine them honestly and avoid communicating them to your child. Otherwise, you may create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which your teenager resents your judgments about her birthparents and rebels by acting out sexually.

If Your Child Was Older

There’s a chance that a child joining a family at an older age has witnessed or even experienced sexual abuse. This may not come out for a few years, until a child feels safe enough to discuss it. If this is your child’s history, your job is to help her see the difference between sexual mistreatment of a child and apt expression of sexual feelings between two adults.

Be careful to avoid rancorous characterizations of her birthparents, who may have allowed abuse to happen. This will create conflict for your child, who certainly retains some loyalty to her birth family; resenting your criticism, she may refuse to reveal any further details. A more effective approach: awareness of her birthparents as victims themselves, and empathy with your child’s difficult history—and constant and generous expression of love and support

When our children ask tough questions, we must remember that they can often handle the answers better than we do! Sexual education is really about helping our children learn how to build relationships and experience intimacy. It is about protecting them from unwanted sexual attention or abuse. As adoptive parents, we are also teaching them that their birth is about more than a simple sex act; that they have a valid and treasured history before joining our family.

Marybeth Lambe is a family physician and writer who lives with her family on a sheep farm in Washington state.

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