My Ethiopian DaughtersBy Rita Radostitz
My daughters have caramel brown skin, dark brown eyes, and tightly curled black hair. They are African by birth, American by citizenship, but have always self-identified as Habesha (the Amharic word for Ethiopian). Two-and-a-half years ago, these eight-year-old twins left everything familiar and came to America to learn a new language, a new culture, a new family’s ways. Because of their history—and the long history of their people—they fit in differently in our society. Even though they have brown skin, and were adopted, they have little in common with the other African-American girl in their class, a native English speaker adopted by white parents as an infant.
My daughters’ biggest trauma stems from grieving their mother’s death. They watched as she became sick and died. They remember her, how she cherished them, and how sad they were (and are) that she was not able to raise them. Her picture holds a place of honor on our wall of family photos. When I parent them differently, they are quick to point it out. Every day, I try to respect our cultural differences and incorporate what they’ve lost into our lives.
It’s true that my daughters deal with racism, but they find it more baffling than upsetting. Their perspective of who they are is steeped in pride at being Ethiopian, from one of the oldest cultures in the world, in one of the few African nations never to have been colonized. Theirs is not the history of slavery and segregation experienced by African Americans. This distinction—that my daughters were born in Ethiopia and are citizens of America, rather than African-American—is a hot-button issue for many people. We make the distinction not to distance ourselves from African-Americans, but because my daughters’ culture is as distinct from that of their African-American friends as it is from that of their Korean-American friends. For them, being Ethiopian-American is about nationality, about culture, and only tangentially about race.
They know about slavery, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Oprah Winfrey. But their history is the reign of Emperor Selassie, the majesty of the Queen of Sheba, and the speed of Olympic champion Haile Gebre-Selassie. "Soul food" is as foreign to them as injera and doro wat are to their classmates.
As a mother, I have to learn to balance this. I teach them the history of Africans in America, not simply because they are perceived as African-American, but because that history is a part of my history, part of American culture. I must teach them to honor their Ethiopian pride without letting them act like Ethiopian princesses. And I must help them to cherish what they left behind, while appreciating all that they have to look forward to.
Where do I go for help? There is no book on "parenting an adopted Ethiopian child," nor is there an Ethiopian-American museum. But we have books about Ethiopian history and Ethiopian folktales on our bookshelves, Ethiopian art on our walls, and Ethiopian spices in our kitchen. We also have friends: the Ethiopian college students who have become "big sisters," other families with Ethiopian children, who live close by.
We talk together about race, and I struggle with fixing their hair. We live our crazy, mixed-up culture every day, eating berbere on scrambled eggs for breakfast, and potatoes with ketchup for dinner. And we do our best to be a family: an interracial, intercultural family, but, most importantly, just a family.
Rita Radostitz is the director of fundraising and communication for Adoption Advocates International. Her 11-year-old daughters joined her family in June 2005. Back To Home Page ©2013 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. |
Comments
It was nice to see this article in adoptive families magazine. Those of us with African born children have different experiences and challenges than those with African-American born children. I could relate to Rita's article as we also try to raise an adopted Ethiopian daughter. Thanks for including this in your series on raising African-American Children. I was pleasantly surprised to see it included.
Posted by: Laura Melton at 3:06pm Jan 9
Thank you so much for sharing this article. It's very hard to articulate what Rita shared, but exactly the feelings, thoughts, and concerns that we have had with our Ethiopian born son, Matte. Where does he fit in? How do we help him find his identity? How will he relate to our cultural struggles and blunders such as slavery and civil rights? It's complex, but hopeful.
Posted by: Doug Poage at 8:06am Jan 10
I am so pleased to see this article as well. I pray to be able to instill the pride in his heritage that it deserves. Thank you
Posted by: Andrea at 10:48am Jan 17
Oh my god after reading this i was very very touched! I'm habesha and my family has been thinking about adopting an ethiopian child so they can stil have their culture but what is wrong with being an ethiopian princess i find that offensive. Please there is more to us then never being colonized Ethiopia is the cradle of ivlization and ppl from the horn of africa have distinct features from the rest of africa. Because it's a hot button with some african americans just because habeshas were nevr enslaved you think thats bad? Who cares what they think not all are ike that and even if s please do not let others tell her whatshe is or should be .
Posted by: Desta at 8:51pm Jan 21
I don't know where you got that Ethiopian people are stuck up then go and adopt a child from that country, and then have all this issue about Ethiopians being stuck up. What do our see when you see the child? Once Ethiopian always Ethiopians. The child will never be African American. You just going to be like your great white grandfathers who went to Africa and got African people. Basically taking away their identity and culture hence the name African American. I pray you don't put poison in this children's mind against who they are.13:23 Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.
Posted by: Love to be Ethiopian at 9:04am Jan 22
I thought this was a very insightful article, but I caution against seperating African-Americans from Africans...they are different culturally, but are still united from being in a part of the African Diaspora...it's worrisome to read articles by white parents who struggle to know what to do after they have made a choice to adopt children of color...get to know some people of the cultural and have a first hand experience with people of their background so that they know you love other people that look like them and they are not an exception or were convienant for you to adopt. By the way African American history did not begin with colonization and they do not all east soul food. Do your research and gain applied knowledge of people like your daughters; for the sake of your children's mental and social stability. Peace.
Posted by: Christina Gholson, MN at 11:49am Feb 13
I found your story interesting because, my daughters, Ethiopian-Americans that were born and raised in the US, share similar experience as to where to place themselves. They, too, refer themsevelves as Habesha or Ethiopian, because they have totally different culture and background from African-Americans. I agree that they should be encouraged to cherish their heritage as well as learn about their American History. I admire you and all the people that have the courage to go across the ocean to give a child a bright future. God bless you and good luck!
Posted by: Habesha at 7:27pm Mar 6
I found this article very interesting. As an Ethiopian- American, I have to say I was disappointed to read the couple of negative comments that have no relevance in connection to your article. Tell your girls that I said "Tena Yistilegn":-)
Posted by: MuluAlem at 7:54pm Mar 6
I'm really happy for what you did for giving those kids what the deserved in their life, iwanna do the same thing too, but i' m worry about the rules said the parents must to be under 40 years old , i'm 37 years old but my husband is 49, do you thing we have achance to adopte at Ethiopa...
Posted by: sonia at 2:33pm Mar 15
I think that you are going to far in teaching your girls from Ethiopia about the Afro Americans. They are two completely different cultures. Ethiopians are not coming from slavery or abusive white sociaty. Ethiopians come from a rich culture.I do not understand why Habesha admires those who go accross the ocean to adopt children from other colours and backgrounds. Aren't enough children from different races in the USA to be adopted? Maybe it doesn't give'class' to adopt an Afro child from New York and is better to adopt one from overseas.?
Posted by: Liza at 5:56pm Jun 2
Dear Rita, I admire pople like you, that open up their home and heart to Children that need love, care, and a family when they have lost all they had. I am Ethiopian and just adopted a baby boy six months ago from Ethiopia. In my trip to Addis to get my son there were five other couples that traveled also to bring home their adoptive children; I was very amezed at how these people were excited to bring home their adopted babies home. Family calling to hear descriptions of the baby, trying to listen to the children talk in a language they did not understand. For all of my Habesha friends that are critisizing you, I chalenge them to do what you do. Open up your home and your heart to a girl/boy who lost her/his parents. I have seen kids longing to be loved, looking at their friend that is being adopted as they are left at the orphanage jeolosly. So, for those of you who care about Rita's girls feelings and their heritage Open up your hearts or your walets to help another child as she did.
Posted by: Habesha2 at 1:39pm Jul 10
I have serious issues with this article. The mom wanted to point out that her kids aren't African American, but neither am I. I wasn't born in Africa, nor have I ever been to Africa. However, I am considered African-American. I won't deny my heritage. I know my ancestors came from Africa and I am proud of my people. But, I consider myself Black. I see Africans, Jamaicans, Haitians, etc. and consider them "my people", even though we are from two different lands. I am deeply disturbed how it appears she wants to separate her kids from the Black community. It doesn't matter that her kids were born in Ethiopia have a different history from other Blacks. I don't have the SAME history as other blacks. However, our common bond is that we stem from a great continent. I am a black female adopting a Ethiopian child. I will not deny my child her past, but I will raise her to be a strong Black female (as everyone will see her).
Posted by: Quinn at 9:33pm Aug 7
Thanks for this Rita. I loved it. I know the girls are happy to have you as their mother. Benyam
Posted by: benyam at 1:50am Mar 29
Very neat article! Thanks for sharing your experience. I connect the relationship with identifying your children's Etheopian roots like I would connect my father's "Dutch" and mother's "Irish" roots. Different countries have different cultures that make them unique and beautiful. And being from the same continent also brings out a special oneness as well. It looks like you are incorporating great balance there! I believe that we are living in the greatest country in the world, the United States of America! If I can say, with no disrespect intended, instilling a sense of unified American pride as well, is something that may get left in the dust as we try so hard to do what is best by assisting our children with a sense of ethnic identity. Proud of my country, the people that fought to make it free, and the people that don't take for granted the amazing gift we have to live in a republic that is free!
Posted by: kb at 9:40pm May 31
Good article. Some readers/responders unfortunately have very little understanding what you writing about. There are different cultures within all colors - white, yellow, and black. Education is important. One should not see it offensive learning the history of the country where they came from. And if they do find it offensive they have personal issues and should seek a psychotherapy because they can't resolve their internal problems.
Posted by: Jane Doe at 5:53am Feb 1
Ethiopian pride is hard to get rid of. I'm ethiopian born in america, the last of my family, first born in america. They'll be princesses no matter what, but then we get very level headed.
Posted by: Selam at 9:29am Feb 2
Yes, well, we adopted my daughter from Ethiopia at six months, and we did not change her Ethiopian given name because she is Ethiopian, and she is now almost 3 years old and I can see Ethiopian pride already in her I swear! We watch youtube clips all the time of Ethiopian music, culture, and we eat ber ber spice on everything. She sits on my lap and says, "MaMa, MaMa, play some Etiopia (yes she says it the right way), and we will watch hours of the singers,and the moving Endurance about Haile Gebrsellasie, and I cry every single time at the end because I am so proud to have an Ethiopian princess as my daughter. Thank You Ethiopia for making my husband and I parents, we will always love you!
Posted by: jp at 10:50pm Jul 28
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