A Mother’s LoveI often wonder if my mom would have thought I’m a good mother, then I search my heart and find the answer. by Janice FitzGerald
 I still remember how raw I felt inside, that first Mother’s Day after my mom died. I walked down the greeting card aisle at the drugstore, wiping away tears. It was a moment I had taken for granted for so long, and, suddenly, it was gone. I didn’t have anyone to buy a card for that year.
Years later, my husband and I began talking about adoption, but there was something about motherhood that terrified me. How could I become a mom without my mother? Not a day went by when I hadn’t missed her, but now I needed her. After many tears, and much anxiety, my husband convinced me to take the leap of faith.
We were matched with a little girl named Ana Maria. One day, I opened my e-mail to find her looking up at me. "Who is this kid?" I thought. Who is this child who’s going to be my daughter?
A few weeks later, I booked what we thought would be our last hurrah before parenthood: A romantic Fourth of July weekend in Quebec City. We weren’t expecting Ana’s paperwork to be ready until late August.
Just then, the phone rang. It was our adoption agency. Ana’s paperwork had sailed through, and she was ready to come home! I looked down at the desk calendar. It was May 16, my mother’s birthday. I got a lump in my throat and chills along my arms. Was this a sign from her saying, "Everything will be OK, honey"? My mother was always a big believer in signs. Somewhere up there, I thought, she was smiling.
On our own
On June 1, at midnight, we pulled up to our driveway—just back from the airport, with Ana in the backseat—and found our porch covered in pink balloons. Neighbors and friends had hung a giant banner that read, "It’s a Girl!" We were officially home. Now came the hard part.
As the months passed, I was plagued with insecurity and self-doubt. Who was I kidding? Me, a mom? I was rudderless. I’d lost my compass. I was reading the What to Expect books like a fiend, trying to find the wisdom that I couldn’t receive firsthand. I kept thinking, my mother is supposed to teach me these things. Why am I learning them from some stranger?
I had a mother-in-law, as well as sisters and friends who’d had kids, but a mother’s love is irreplaceable. When I was insecure, she gave me confidence. When I was scared, she brought me comfort. A mother is, simply put, a soft place to land.
It took some time, but a funny thing happened. I found a way to introduce my mother to her grandchild. Instinctively, I started to serenade my little girl with all the silly songs my mom had made up when I was a kid. "Let’s Go Swimming All the Way Home" became the song that I sing to Ana at bath time. "That’s My Girl" is another one. Whenever she was proud of any of her girls, my mother would sing, "That’s my girl, take a look at her, she belongs to me!" Ana squeals with delight when I sing this one to her. "Grandma made up that song," I always tell her. And each time, it’s like my mom is there beside us. Maybe she is.
As time passes, the not knowing becomes the hardest part about my mom’s absence. Would she have approved of our decision to adopt? Would she have accepted my daughter, as she embraced her other grandchildren? And, the biggie, would she have thought I was a good mother? As I write this, I search my heart and know the answers. I close my eyes and hear her singing, "That’s my girl, take a look at her, she belongs to me."
Janice FitzGerald is an award-winning songwriter living with her husband and daughter in Boston. Back To Home Page ©2013 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. |
Comments
Lovely article. I can hear her singing too.
Posted by: Eileen at 12:08pm Apr 28
Dear Janice, You are a compliment to your mother and vice versa. Your article also reminds us all to appreciate our mother while she is still there; which, in the day-to-day routine, of what we term as life, tend to forget. Thank you, Shanti
Posted by: Shanti Kumar at 9:53pm Apr 28
Dear Janice, This is indeed a most touching article and one that really epitomises the nobility and commitment of parents who have adopted children. Equally important is the spotlight on the concept of a mother as a figurehead of wisdom and patience and, as Shanti put it, is a gift that we so often and so easily forget. For sure I could hear her sing. Gavin
Posted by: Gavin Colaco at 10:14pm Apr 28
Dear Janice, Everyone should have parents as caring and conscientious as Ana does. Though you're apart right now, there is no doubt your mother is very proud of you. God bless Ana Maria and her parents and grandparents.
Posted by: ----- at 6:57am Apr 29
Dear Janice - I was touched and moved by your article that touched on a subject I have yet to discover anywhere else. I, too, lost my mother suddenly and without warning. Everything you mentioned hits so close to home. It pulls at my heart to know my mother will never know her grandchild on Earth and that my child will miss out on the wonderful influence she would have been. But you helped me realize my mother lives through me, my father, and my siblings. This is how our child will come to know her "Nana". Thank you.
Posted by: Bethany at 9:13am Apr 29
My husband had to take me in his arms for a huge hug after reading this article. It was such an amazing story that honored her mom so much. I have my mom, my "other" mom (step mom that raised me) and a mother in law - so I will have the joy of having three mothers in my "someday" child's life, but to think of not having that broke my heart. A mothers love and encouragement is priceless. Thank you for such a beautiful story.
Posted by: Natalie Carlisle at 10:42am May 1
Janice- I too lost my mother a year and a day to when my daughter joined our family. It was very bittersweet that my mother had planted the idea of adoption with me and my husband and how she was not here to when I "needed" her the most. Like you I try to tell my daughter stories about my mom. We sing songs that my mother and I shared. Thank you for your article. I tell my daughter that Grandma Joan visits us both in our dreams.
Posted by: Elizabeth at 10:43am May 1
I lost my mother a couple of months before I met my husband and a year before we started down the infertility road. We adopted our little girl at birth 14 months ago and I have often wondered what my mother would think of me as a mother. I tell my daughter about her grandmother all the time and we celebrate her birthday, remember her on the anniversary of her death. My daughter often plays with pots and pans that were my mothers and while bittersweet, it warms me to know in some little way, they are connected.
Posted by: Nicole at 11:06am May 1
Janice, What a lovely story! I lost my mother suddenly the day before we were to sign our final paperwork to become a "waiting family." Exactly five months later, we watched as they brought our new son into the nursery. I know my mom sent him to join our family. I know she watches us and is proud of me and I can hear her laugh at his silliness the way you hear yours sing. I try to tell my son how much his "grammy in heaven" loves him.
Posted by: Betsy at 3:03pm May 1
Janice, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost my mother several years ago, and often wonder how I'll manage to parent our two future children (we're waiting for referrals) without her guidance. You really touched me with your honesty and wisdom. You made me think of ways I could share some of my mom's personality and presence with my kids as they grow, and honor her memory. Thanks again!
Posted by: Susan at 3:20pm May 1
Janice: I appreciate your story so much. When I realized that my mom was never going to recover from her stage 4 cancer and was just weeks away from passing away, my greatest sadness was that she would never see her grandchildren. 11 years later, we have an amazing daughter that we adopted from China and our paperwork in China for our second. I often find myself wondering what she would have thought, how she would have been, and how she would have seen how our first daughter is so much like me, without the biology (she really is!). I miss my mom terribly and your story really brought it home and said it better than I could have. Thank you.
Posted by: Lily's Mom at 8:24pm May 3
I loved this article. I relate to much to it. I adopted after my children after my own Mother died. I know she would have been a wonderful Grandmother to my children. I miss her so often and I also had insecurities in the beginning and wished my Mother had still been alive to help me. I also sing songs that My Mother sang to me and I have in many ways beome a lot like my Mother as I get older, which is wonderful. I know my Mother would be so proud of me for adopting my children and I feel her smiling at me often. She's with us in our hearts and with pictures that I show my children. All the kindness she showed me I try my best to shower on my children now. Thank you so much for printing this story in the magazine.
Posted by: Abigail at 12:07pm May 4
Janice,I was very touched by your story. I too lost my mother unexpectedly at the age of 49. After several invitro procedures my husband and I were FINALLY pregnant, my mother was so excited for us, being an only child she was so happy to finally be a grandma, well she passed away and 2 weeks later I miscarried at 14 weeks, it was horrible! The happy news to my story is my grandparents gave us part of my mother's inhertitance so that we could turn to adoption and we weren able to adopt a beautiful baby girl all because of my mother! We had no more fianances available to consider adoption so i truly beleive this was my mothers way of giving us the baby we had always dreamed of. I truly beleive she is watching over us.Our daughters middle name is after her grandma and we can't wait for her to understand this amazing journey that happen to us because of her wonderful grandma up in heaven. Thank you for your story.
Posted by: Tracy at 5:58pm May 5
Mom before Dad.That's what I leanrt.If there are people in the world one should devote their love to would be:-1. Mom2. Mom3. Mom4. DadIn that order. Happy Belated Mother's Day MOM!
Posted by: Jin at 8:25pm Aug 30
, you can't prepare an adpotive parent for what they are REALLY getting into with criticism, badmouthing, negative comments, or horror stories. You can't be prepared enough no matter how much you think you know about your adopted child. You prove my point further by highlighting the scrutiny by outside stakeholders in the adoption process-that even with all of that scrutiny and preparation, there's still a great deal of unknown in adoption. So how do critical comments and negative websites help the problem? They don't...they just sensationalize the problems and make adoptions more difficult. I'm not trying to minimize unethical adoption practices or adoption abuse cases, but I don't see how making negative comments to adpotive parents (especially those who have COMPLETED the adoption process and have the children in their home...which is what I'm speaking of in this post) helps decrease these horror stories. In fact, it makes the problem WORSE because if further alienates parents who are having post-adoption difficulties. It makes them feel guilty for seeking help and puts them at higher risk for disrupting/dissolving the adoption OR (even worse) abusing or neglecting the child, adding to the horror stories.Thank you for your comment and helping prove my point.Ginger...some are adpotive parents, some biological parents who question adpotive parents' motives, some are both...they have a bio child with special needs and also have adopted a child or children with special needs...I've seen it lots of places lately, not just from one source. :(Patti...no, the website article didn't inspire this. It would have inspired a much more "turn over the change tables in the tabernacle" type post. LOL! It really wasn't anything directed at us in particular...just some general statements I've seen lately on FB and blogs that make me want to say, "Treat others as you would want to be treated." I have a hard time believing any parent of a child with special needs would want to be treated badly by their peers, so why would they treat their peers badly?
Posted by: Sujit at 9:03pm Aug 30
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