| 1. |
Remember that the pregnant woman is an expectant mother who has not yet
made a final decision to place her child for adoption; she is not a birth mother. |
| 2. |
Understand that she is not simply a means for you to have a child. Do not
burden her with your urgency to become a parent. |
| 3. |
In developing a relationship, be yourself. Stay open and honest. Both you
and the prospective birth parents are building the foundation of what could be a lifelong
relationship. |
| 4. |
Remember that the matching process goes both ways: prospective birth
parents choose to work with you, and you choose to work with them. If you do not like or
respect them, or if you find yourself judging them in a negative way, you shouldn't work
with them. Children often think, "If they don't like my birth parents, they must not
like me." Indeed, there's a good chance your child will inherit some of the
personality traits you dislike. |
| 5. |
Let the birth mother and father know that no matter how close you become
during this process, you understand the final choice is theirs. They have a right to
change their mind, and they have no obligation to complete the adoption because of your
relationship. |
| 6. |
Meet and discuss a plan for your postadoption relationship that all parties
understand and will commit to honor as a sacred trust. |
| 7. |
Recognize that your child's birth parents will always be a part of your
life and your child's life no matter how often you actually meet. |
| 8. |
Understand that
the birth grandparents may also want a connection with your child. |
| 9. |
Understand that direct communication is the best way to answer questions
and clear up misunderstandings, which will surely occur. |
| 10. |
Understand that if your child's birth mother is reluctant to visit after
placement, she is probably dealing with her pain. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. Keep
the doors open. Encourage her. Let her know that you believe she has an ongoing role in
your and her child's life. Lynn Franklin is the author of May the Circle Be Unbroken
(Three Rivers Press, 1999). Brenda Romanchik is the owner of R-Squared Press, a publisher
dedicated to producing resources for open adoption, and the author of A Birthparent's Book
of Memories (R-Squared Press, 1999). |
