Candor is Crucial

I was very anxious about our home study when we were adopting our son. I had been a big partier when I was younger and had got a DUI 15 years earlier. By the time we were adopting, I had changed a lot and would have liked never to mention my past indiscretions to our social worker. Unfortunately, a police record for the DUI made it unavoidable. I couldn’t shake the nagging thought that, because of the record, my wife and I would “fail” the home study and destroy our chances of ever having a family. We ended up getting through the process just fine, but I learned two very important lessons.

First, my fears were not unfounded. The social worker looked at us under a microscope. Drinking is a particularly serious issue when it comes to parenting, as it should be, and we spent a good deal of time talking about it. Though my youthful party days were long over, the social worker nevertheless had to dispel that possibility that I was an addict before he could endorse us as acceptable parents.

Second, a social worker will not punish a responsible adult for mistakes he made as a college student. The most important thing is demonstrating who you are today. Just be honest. It is far worse to get caught in a lie than it is to confront the past.
—an AF reader

Experienced Agencies Can Make a Difference

If a couple has an unusual health situation, our agency policy is to submit the family’s home study for approval to the officials of the country where the family wishes to adopt before we agree to provide adoption services. A physician’s letter, along with the standard medical form for the country, may be required. Important phrases to include are “normal life expectancy” and “This poses no limitations on the applicant’s ability to parent an adopted child.”
—Dellory Matthews, Focus on Children

Allow Access to People Who Know the Real You

We all have things in our past that look bad on paper. In my case, I was recovering from five miscarriages, have been divorced twice, have a history of clinical depression, and abused alcohol and drugs when I was younger. Not a good background for a home study!

I did not withhold any information from the social worker who did our home study. She discussed everything with us and contacted counselors and others in my past, as well as people who could vouch that I am now capable of being a good parent. My advice is to find an experienced social worker, be open and honest about your past and present, have references from all stages of your life, and be willing to sign releases of information.
—an AF reader

Choose Adoption Professionals Who Accept You

My husband interviewed social workers and adoption agencies before we chose one. He asked how they would treat a prospective adoptive parent who had had a drunk driving conviction fifteen years earlier but had not had any subsequent problems with alcohol. Once he identified social workers who were comfortable with us and vice versa, it was a very painless process.
—an AF reader