The Day I Gave My Heart AwayA birthmother shares her feelings and thoughts about making an adoption plan for her child. By Anonymous Five years ago I gave my heart away: I placed my infant daughter for adoption. Not a day has gone by since that I have not thought about her, yet I believe I made the right decision. I share my story in the hope that it might help other young women with the incredibly difficult decision that they must make for themselves and their babies.
Confronting Reality
When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was terrified-terrified of what my parents would say and do; terrified of how the baby's father would react. I told my mom in the only way I could-I wrote her a letter. She responded better then I had hoped. I was sure that my father would kick me out of the house when he found out. Instead he sat still for a while, then he got up and hugged me, assuring me that he would be there for me.
The way Steve,* the baby's father, reacted to the news totally blew my mind. His first question was "Who's the father?" I couldn't believe his reaction. Steve and I had met in October, 1993. He was my supervisor at a new job that I had just started. I was immediately attracted to him-I felt like a schoolgirl with a crush. We started dating a few weeks later and were together just about every day after that. When he first told me that he loved me, I was ecstatic. I felt like a completely different person when I was with him. Our wonderful new relationship started to go downhill right after Christmas-although I didn't know it at the time. He had already started dating someone new. When he found out about the baby, it was as if a war had erupted between us. At first, Steve wanted me to have an abortion, but I insisted that I was going to keep my baby. Then he started pushing for adoption, which to me seemed cold-hearted. I couldn't understand how someone could just hand over his or her child for someone else to raise. Steve didn't even want to know what the baby would look like.
Deciding What to Do
One night I woke up suddenly, aware of exactly what I had to do. Perhaps I had been dreaming, but I felt as if I had somehow been told that adoption was the best choice for everyone involved-especially the baby. Given my earlier feelings, I was shocked at the sense of certainty I felt. I went back to sleep that night finally feeling some peace within myself. Other than my family, few people agreed with my decision. Everyone who learned about the situation had an opinion about what I should do and made a point of making sure that I heard their opinion. People asked me why and how I could do such a thing. I tried to politely say that it was in the baby's best interests. I tried to ignore their criticism, but it was hard. Although there were still times I questioned what I was doing, deep down I knew that adoption was the best option for me, for Steve, and most importantly, for the baby. The baby would be happier in a home with two loving parents who could give him or her what he or she needed.
Making the Plan
Once I'd finally made up my mind about adoption, I had to find an adoption agency that wouldn't treat my baby like a commodity. My family and I heard about such an agency from friends who'd adopted a baby boy. The couple had nothing but nice things to say about this agency. They told me that the staff were very personable and that the agency was Christian-based. I didn't bother to look into other alternatives. The agency staff treated me kindly and with respect. They gave me complete control over how things were done. I was able to choose the adoptive parents, which helped me feel more comfortable about my decision. Somehow the process of picking out the adoptive parents helped me cope with my emotions.
The staff asked me for a list of qualities that I wanted the perspective parents to have. From that list and from Steve's and my physical descriptions, the agency chose couples in their files that "matched." I was matched with three couples and was given their profiles to read. Each profile included a very informative and emotional letter written to prospective birthmothers. Each letter provided information about what each person did for a living, what their interests were, and what their extended families were like. These letters gave me some insight into what each couple was like.
Although I read each letter at least 20 times, one of them caught my eye from the very beginning. The couple somehow seemed more sincere and better expressed how much love they had to share with a baby. I was touched by what they had gone through to become parents, and how long they had been waiting. The other two couples sounded more like they were selling something-which in a sense they were. Once I had chosen this couple, I decided to let them know in a very special way that they were finally going to become parents. I bought two cards (one for the mother-to-
be and the other for expecting parents), wrote a note in each, then sent the cards through the agency. It was a great way to start a lasting relationship between the adoptive parents and me. Then I had to decide whether or not I wanted to meet this couple. I was glad the decision was mine to make.
When I decided to go ahead, I knew that I couldn't go alone. I asked my mother to go with me. The beginning of the meeting was a bit rocky. We exchanged gifts, little things that helped relieve some of the tension. As the meeting went on, we all began to relax. We talked about our families, and about my pregnancy. This meeting put my mind at ease about what kind of home and family my child would be growing up in. I knew I had made the right choice for my child. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, John and Caren checked to see how I was doing, through the agency. They also sent me cards and letters of encouragement. At first I thought that the letters would do more harm than good, because they would show me exactly how much this couple wanted my baby. But in reality, they helped me more then I could have imagined. The letters and cards not only showed me how much they wanted my baby, but how much they would love him or her. Although my pregnancy seemed to go by quickly, the bond between my baby and me grew steadily stronger. I began to realize how hard it was going to be to give him or her to the adoptive parents. As the due date grew closer, I tried to block out the fact that this child would not leave the hospital with me.
Giving Away My Heart
At 2:45 a.m. on October 17, 1994, my labor began. Because this was my first child, my parents figured I would be in labor for hours. Little did we know.... My father drove me to the hospital-about a thirty-mile drive- while my mother held my hand. I kept telling them that the baby was coming, but they didn't believe me. By the time we pulled up outside the hospital emergency room, the baby's head was crowning. A nurse jumped into the backseat and helped me deliver my beautiful, healthy baby girl. The labor and delivery that my parents thought would take hours took only 1 hour and 55 minutes, start to finish. Out of respect, the first person I called was Steve. Then we called the adoption agency. They let me have the honor of telling the new parents. I congratulated them and told them the exciting story of their new daughter Samantha's birth. I was given the choice of whether I wanted be the one to hand the new parents their precious baby. At first I wasn't sure if I could do so without wanting to run, taking the baby with me. But as I looked down at her beautiful face, I knew I had to be the one to give her to John and Caren. I couldn't have gotten through that day-or any other for that matter- without the help and support from my parents and sister.
Lasting Love
Since my daughter's birth, I met and married a wonderful, loving man who thinks of Samantha as his own daughter. I still receive pictures, letters, and even Christmas presents from Samantha, John, and Caren. In July of 1999, my husband and I welcomed our "second" child into the world. Although I still think about Samantha every day, I am thankful that she has parents who are keeping her safe and happy when I couldn't. As a birthparent, I know that placing a child for adoption-a child that you cannot take care of properly-is the most unselfish thing that any birthmother can do for her child.
To ensure her child's and the adoptive parents' privacy, Jill wishes to remain anonymous.
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Comments
An amazing and heartfelt story. Thank you so much for sharing. So often magazines share the stories of adoption through the eyes of the adoptive parents, but as an adoptive parent, I realize that there is an "untold" story to every adoption. My daughter was placed with my family at birth, and we never had the opportunity to meet her 1st mother. My daughter will be 9 next month, and I have often wondered about her "untold" story. I wonder what the pregnancy was like, if there was a "wild ride" to the hospital and what the labor and delivery was like. Thank you again.
Posted by: Tania at 12:49pm Jun 2
What a beautiful story and what a beautiful person you are! You put the needs of your baby before your own which shows me how loving you are. My husband and I are going to be adopting and I hope we are as fortunate as John and Caren were to be matched with a birthmom like you. May the Lord continue to bless you!
Posted by: Tonya at 6:28pm Jun 2
Thank you for sharing your story. I am an adoptive mom and never knew what to say to my daughter's birthmom during those first moments of my greatest happiness because I knew those moments probably involved her greatest grief. Although we are not fortunate enough to have ongoing communication with my daughter's birthmom, I hope she is as sure as you are that her decision was the right one. For us, her decision to put her baby's needs before her own, has been a wonderful gift!
Posted by: Jennifer at 10:41am Jun 6
My heartfelt thanks for sharing your story and your feelings along the way. As an adoptive mom of a little girl, I'm in tears reading your story. Ours is an open adoption including get togethers with our daughter's birthmom & birthfamily. I feel a rush of gratitude and a deep bond of mother-love with our daughter's birthmom. It's so hard to put into words how deep those emotions run - thank you for expressing yours so eloquently. Bless you for making an adoption plan for your sweet baby girl. Bless you too for sharing your experience!
Posted by: Julie at 7:19pm Jun 6
I too gave my daughter up for adoption almost 7 years ago. It is an open adoption. It's been wonderful seeing her and watching her grow into a beautiful girl. Just recently she found out that I am her biological mother. She hasn't begun asking me questions but I know she will. Does anyone know of a book out there that can help me with this process? Thank you
Posted by: Betsy at 8:18am Aug 11
What a great story! I am a birthmother too. I gave up my son fifteen years ago. I was just 16. It was awesome to read your story. It is similar in many ways to what I went through. I found it really interesting that you just "knew" adoption was the right answer for you. I was the same way. There really was no doubt that it was the right choice for me and my son! Good Luck!
Posted by: Kimberly at 7:22pm Aug 15
I am soon to meet the daughter that I gave up for adoption in 1966. This is very emotionally difficult since this will be our first meeting. I am now 65 yrs. old, she is 43. Pls. pray for us - that I will say the right words to her. I went thru a Church Home and back then we didn't keep in contact because of society's 'shaming' opinions. She, thru her friend that located me, said she asked "Why I didn't give up my next daughter in 1981." It was too difficult to do again. I'm trying to find the right (positive) words to impart to her. Your message about giving your heart away really blessed me.
Posted by: Caroline at 10:46am Oct 23
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