Ask AF: Should I Try to Contact My Children’s Birth Siblings?

A mother who adopted from foster care seeks advice about contacting the adoptive parents of her children's birth siblings. Fellow adoptive parents weigh in.

Q: Our two daughters, adopted from foster care, have the same birth parents. They have three older birth sisters who were also removed from their birth parents’ care and were adopted by another family. Through online searching, I believe I’ve found the family, and am wondering about getting in touch. Should I reach out to the mother directly, or would this be creepy? Should I make contact through a school counselor or their former case worker? I would just love for all of the sisters  to be in contact one day should they choose.


Members of respond:

“Did the girls have a relationship before they were removed? If so, it must be hard on all of them to have their sisters suddenly disappear. As a former foster youth, I don’t see anything creepy about reaching out. It’s not like you’re stalking them. I’m not even sure why they would have to wait until they are older to get to know each other, if the families can have a harmonious relationship.”

“I would totally reach out. I think your idea of connecting through a third party provides enough of a cushion so it doesn’t seem creepy. Let the other parent decide if it feels right, and if she wishes to initiate contact.”

“If you can find her email address, that may be better than something like Facebook. I feel like this is similar to the tension we feel when approaching other, more obviously adoptive families than ours. Both parties are typically grateful to meet, but no one wants to break the ice.”

“I would definitely reach out and I see absolutely nothing creepy about it. In my own experience and from much of what I have read, children who were adopted value sibling relationships above all other birth family relationships.”

“As an adoptive mom, I would be delighted if somebody reached out to me in a similar situation. Good luck!”



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