When I first began writing Adopted Child newsletter, several decades ago, I received a letter from a social worker who thought the premise for the newsletter was faulty. She acknowledged that adoption affected children adopted from the foster care system, those adopted transracially or internationally, or those with a history of abuse or neglect that led to the involuntary termination of parental rights. But she saw no such concerns in children adopted as infants by same-race parents.

Her attitude was typical of many into the 1980s. Few adoptees had spoken or written about their experiences before then. The big question among both parents and professionals was whether children should be told they joined their family through adoption. Few parents were educated about the lifelong impact of adoption. Once we began hearing from adult adoptees, however, we realized how often adoption creates an additional layer to developmental tasks commonly faced by adoptees and nonadoptees alike.

For those of us who were not adopted, some of what we heard from adult adoptees was surprising. For example, we learned that adoptees who had not heard the story of their birth sometimes had no concrete sense of having been born. More familiar were questions about the origin of personality traits or talents — genetics or environment?

A Unique Experience?

Once when I was dining with several adult adoptees, the waiter brought the wrong dish to a member of our party.

She ate it anyway, joking to the others that adoptees take whatever they are given. Parents or entrees — it didn’t matter. The others nodded and chuckled, while I sat amazed that such a tendency could be thought to result from adoption. I was once told that adoptees typically choose history or literary fiction as a major in college. It would be tempting to dismiss notions such as these as far-fetched if they hadn’t come from some of the most respected voices in adoption.

Some people wonder whether adoption is really complex. Couldn’t adoptees just be seizing on an excuse for any discomfort in their life? Everybody has abandonment issues, they say. Everybody has something that makes them feel different. Isn’t it possible that adoptees might use their feelings to their advantage with their parents or partners? The answer to both questions is Yes.

Yes, adoptees have experienced events that those born into their families have not. They all have been separated from the parents and clan to whom they are biologically connected. They have grown up in families with whom they do not share a genetic heritage. Some have also experienced abandonment, involuntary termination of parental rights, lack of information, abuse, or neglect.

Are adoptees unique in having experienced these difficulties? Of course not. Many children who were not adopted have a parent die or leave the family. In some families, secrecy surrounds family events and even medical matters.

But the fact that similar, if not identical, situations occur to others doesn’t minimize the impact those events have on adoptees. And because events like these are connected to adoption, they are adoption-related; the impact is an adoption-related issue.

While loss of one’s hair is in no way proportionate to the loss of one’s birth parents, the comparison may be useful. Someone who loses his hair as a result of chemotherapy may have some of the same feelings about being bald as someone who loses his hair as a result of genetics. (Why did this have to happen to me? Should I buy a hairpiece? Will others still find me attractive?) To the world, two bald people look the same. But for one, baldness is a cancer-related issue.

We could debate whether adoptees without access to information about their pasts have an adoption issue or a secrecy issue. We could discuss whether an adoptee with an ongoing relationship with her birth parents experiences an adoption issue or a nontraditional family issue. Does it matter?

We all have common tasks as we grow up. We must learn about the origins of life and the reality of death, and gain a sense of identity as well as a sense of connection to our clan. The events in our lives add texture to those tasks. The child who is a singleton, who is a twin, who was adopted, or who has experienced the death of a close relative will have a unique slant on what it means to be an individual as well as what it means to be a member of a family.

Identity is not an issue unique to adoptees, but adoption brings unique challenges to the development of identity. Of course, adoptees may use the events of their lives to gain sympathy from those around them, or relieve themselves of the responsibility of sorting through life’s challenges.

Even a young child can figure out how to do that.

Playing the “Adoption Card”

I’ll never forget the time my eight-year-old was trying to put off going to bed, using every excuse in the book. Finally she played the “adoption card,” claiming a sudden interest in talking about her adoption. As someone who urges parents to be responsive to their children’s desire to discuss adoption, I struggled to recognize this as a ploy.

Even children who love their parents and are experiencing a better life in their family than they would have in their birth family may feel loss or insecurity. Some parents mistakenly believe if children have concerns about adoption, it means that they should have done more to make the child feel loved.

If you find yourself saying, “How could that be an adoption issue — we’ve had her since she was a baby!” or “I think this adoption stuff is overdone,” it may be a sign that you don’t want to acknowledge that your child is feeling loss. What parent does? We don’t want our children to hurt, and we sometimes believe that if we do everything “right,” they won’t.

Parents need to see the adoption experience from the perspective of adoptees. There are numerous books by adoptees, many of which validate the love and acceptance of their adoptive families while also outlining the difficulties adoptees faced in sorting out their adoption situations.

With this foundation, parents can then rely on their instincts:

If it looks like an adoption issue, and it sounds like an adoption issue, then it’s an adoption issue.

If it looks like an adoption issue, but sounds like a ploy, it’s an adoption issue being used to for another purpose.

As parents, we also need to ask ourselves if we are using our children’s adoption as an excuse. Do we feel sorry for our children because of their past? Do we tell their story to elicit sympathy, to excuse their behavior, or to invite accolades for what they’ve overcome?

Some children bring up their adoption to get their parents’ attention. Others learn that if they bring adoption to the forefront, it makes their parents uncomfortable.

Be aware of the impact of adoption on children and be open to it, but no more so or less so than you are with regard to any other issues. When we demonstrate sensitivity and balance in dealing with all the issues in our children’s lives, we teach them how to do the same.