Q: My husband and I have been together for eight years and are in our mid-40’s. We have not discussed having children until recently, when I began to feel that I would love to become a mother. My husband is fearful of a damaged child and of disrupting our stable lives, and he refuses to discuss adoption. How can I open up the conversation? Or should I respect his choice and let go of my dream of becoming a parent?
A: Bringing a child into a family is a major life change, and it is not at all unusual for partners to initially disagree about adoption.
To move forward, it would be helpful for your husband to meet families with adopted children. This is often the best way to demonstrate that these are ordinary, happy families, with lovable children, as opposed to the “damaged” children he fears. Reach out via your community or church to find adoptive families, or pursue adoption conferences and workshops that you might attend anonymously.
Second, to address your husband’s concerns about the changes to your settled lives, discuss his practical concerns about parenting, such as finances, scheduling, parenting roles and responsibilities, and your life goals and dreams for the years ahead. Once he sees how it can unfold in practical ways, he may feel more in control and better able to consider adopting a child. Good luck!