One Partner Wants to Nest, the Other Wants to Wait

A hopeful adoptive mother who's just started the adoption wait is ready to nest and get the baby's room ready—but her husband wants to wait. Parents who have been there offer advice.

Q: We are currently waiting to get the call that an expectant mother has chosen us. I’m eager to get the baby’s room ready, but my husband, being the practical person that he is, wants to wait until we’re at least matched before doing anything. It’s hard, because I’m want to start nesting, and he’s so cautious. How do I find a happy medium between our two approaches to the adoption wait?

Members of adoptivefamiliescircle.com respond:

“Just eight short years ago my husband and I were in your very situation. Our happy medium was to start a baby registry with a fictitious due date. You can always keep changing that date. Go ahead do the research on those items and add them to your registry…even buy some if you want and store them in a closet for ‘the day.’ That registry was wonderful! After 14 months, we got The Call—and were placed with our baby the next week!”

“The waiting was the most difficult part. This is going to sound so discouraging, but we waited almost four years for our son. (We were not that open-minded when it came to expectant mother situations, which is why we waited an eternity.) In the beginning I wanted to start decorating our nursery, but I am so glad I did not. Keeping a journal of your journey instead is a great idea!”

“From the first time our profile book was sent out to the birth of our child was three weeks! I only had a car seat and an empty diaper bag. Thank goodness for Amazon Prime!”

“My husband and I are waiting and in the same situation as you—I want to pack the baby’s room full of things and he wants to wait. But we’ve found a good balance so far. We don’t know the gender or special needs of our future child yet, and we also might come home with twins. This has helped me rein in the desire to create a nursery. It’s also very hard to stare at an empty baby’s room for years. But, as other folks have pointed out, it’s good to be prepared for an instant-baby! Have a car seat, a small pack of diapers, and two or three essentials. Not only is it fun to pick them out and buy them, it helps you enjoy the stage you’re in—you’re expecting! You just don’t know how long you’ll have to wait.”

“Try ‘nesting’ in a blog. You can usually make it private.”

“I understand your husband’s reluctance, as I myself was worried that I would ‘jinx it’ by getting ready ahead of time. I ended up buying things, but putting them away in the back of my closet. What you may want to do is ask friends and relatives for hand-me-downs or stuff you can borrow.  There are many items the baby will only use for a little while—bouncy seats, boppy chairs, and so on, that you can probably borrow for the short time you will need them. It is very easy to spend a ton of money on baby stuff that you won’t use. I would also suggest reading. I spent a lot of time reading about adoption, but wish we had read more just about babies.”

“We had the nursery partially set up before we were matched, and my son’s birth mother liked the pictures we included of it in our profile book. I’m a big believer in having everything set up in advance.”

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