Get Rid of "Gotcha"by Karen MolineI could hear the whine coming closer and closer, until I could stand it no longer.
"Gotcha!" I said in triumph. Another mosquito swatted to oblivion.
"Gotcha" is my typical response when I've squashed a bug, caught a ball just before it would have rolled under the sofa, or managed to reach a roll of toilet paper on the top shelf at the store. It's a silly, slangy word.
As such, it's the last word I'd think to use if someone asked me to describe my feelings on the day, in a tiny orphanage off a dirt road outside of Da Nang, when I saw my child for the first time.
I find the use of "gotcha" to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered ("C'mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!") it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life.
Yet many adoptive parents have elevated this casual word into shorthand for "The Day I Got You." This past year, one parent went further:
The word smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life.
Margaret Schwartz declared September 15, 2005, the first International Gotcha Day, a day to celebrate adoption.
This was bound to happen, as "gotcha" has become thoroughly entrenched in adoption-speak: There are "Journey to Gotcha" blogs, and "Happy Gotcha Day" cards, banners, keychains—even crowns—available for sale on the Internet. At last Google, there were 2,480,004 hits for "Gotcha Day." Curious, I clicked on "Noah's Gotcha Day."
Noah is a cat.
It didn't surprise me to find that adoptees have a slightly different feeling about all these gushing gotchas. Eight-year-old Becca Lampman, who was adopted from China, said, "It sounds weird to say that—call it ‘Adoption Day' instead." Her 17-year-old sister, Elena, adopted from Romania, agreed: "I wouldn't like hearing ‘Gotcha Day' used in my family. To me, it sounds like someone snatched you away from your birth family, or almost like you are a prize that was won...it has a gloating, ha-ha tone to it."
"We celebrate my Adoption Day, and I like that," she added. "Being adopted is worth celebrating, and ‘Adoption Day' is respectful sounding."
Adult adoptee Hanna Sofia Jung Johansson pointedly asked, "What is being celebrated [on Gotcha Day]? Parenthood and the new family, I guess. But do adoptive parents acknowledge their child's losses at the same time? ‘Gotcha' for parents means ‘lost-ya' for children who have been separated from familiar faces, smells, and surroundings."
Another adult adoptee, Eun Mi Young, is equally blunt. "While endearing to adoptive parents, ‘Gotcha' is downright disrespectful to adoptees," she says. "What does this term imply? We use it when we grab someone who is running from us, or when we save someone from something, or when we're playing a game. We shouldn't use it for an event that recalls the loss of culture, country, and birthparents."
I ran this concept past Margaret Schwartz, founder of International Gotcha Day, and she conceded that perhaps "Gotcha" wasn't the best word. "I wanted to raise awareness with the general public about the joys of adoption," she told me, "and I'm open to changing the name of the event."
Why not simply call it "Adoption Day" or "Family Day," or, if there are already kids at home, "Siblings Day"? Why commodify and demean adoptees—and ourselves—by using a silly, slangy term to describe the day we became complete families?
Save "gotcha" for mosquitoes.
KAREN MOLINE is a novelist, journalist, and ghostwriter. She lives in New York City with her son, Emmanuel Thanh Sang, adopted from Da Nang, Viet Nam, in August 2001. Back To Home Page ©2009 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. |
Comments
We are waiting to adopt 2 siblings from Brazil. I have always felt uncomfortable with the term "gotcha day" and had decided that we would celebrate "family day" once our children come home. Karen's article puts some very concrete and eloquent words to the unease I have felt about the way "gotcha" is used to refer to the miracle of adoption.
Posted by: Kim Fullton at 6:39am Jun 4
I believe the author takes this entirely to seriously. Families should feel free to choose the term or the manner of celebrating!
Posted by: Carolyn at 6:45am Jun 4
Oversensitivity is running rampant in our country and this article only contributes to the problem.
Posted by: Jessica at 6:50am Jun 4
It has always made me feel uncomfortable, such a wonderful life event will be celebrated in our house as Family Forever or maybe Unity day. I have not decided and once we complete our journey I am sure we will find the appropriate phrase for our celebration and new beginings.
Posted by: Cindy at 7:06am Jun 4
My daughter looks up to her friend Maya - also adopted. And she asked to change the name of our family day to Gotcha Day - just like Maya's. I figure it's her day - so it's her choice.
Posted by: Joyce at 7:07am Jun 4
We are still in the waiting phase, but always felt uncomfortable about using the term 'gotcha' -- it's slangy and disrespectful. I like "Family Day" as it celebrates the day we become a family, not the day that we 'snatched' someone up. C'mon folks.
Posted by: Joe at 7:24am Jun 4
I agree that the term "gotcha day" is an ugly, offensive and ridiculous way to describe the best day of my life. My family has decided NOT to use it.
Posted by: Debbie at 7:26am Jun 4
Like anything else, it's a personal choice. Some will be comfortable with the words Gotcha Day, some will not. Choose what you will and celebrate it with pride, and don't let anyone else tell you that how you do it is wrong. It can be right for you and wrong for someone else, and still be okay. Of course, just my opinion . . .
Posted by: Lola at 7:30am Jun 4
I completely agree with the author. We use the term family day as it implys the time when we came together as a family. I also like the comments from older adoptees who point out that this time is also a "loss" for the adoptees. I would like to figure out a recpectful way to honor their feelings/emotions about their loss....I just haven't figured that one out yet.
Posted by: Jody at 7:40am Jun 4
After two biological children and many delightful games of "gotcha" as toddlers, we never once considered this a negative term. We just celebrated our daughters fourth Gotcha Day last week and she enjoyed every minute of the special attention, regardless of what we called it.
Posted by: Lea Ann at 7:44am Jun 4
As usual, people read way too much into a silly/fun word. My daughter, adopted at 14, refers to her special day as "gotcha day" because it is the day SHE GOT US! We never used the term, she did. She will walk up to me at random times (not just "gotcha day") throw her arms around me and say "gotcha....and I am never going to let go." Who am I to tell her that her feelings of happiness and belonging are politically incorrect? Not every adoption is the same. Not every adoptee was an infant. Not every birth parent lovely relinquished their child in nobility. Not every family is overly sensitive to terminology. Maybe it is about time other people stopped telling me how to refer to a HAPPY FUN FILLED EXCITING day for my child. I didn't snatch her away from her birth parents. They literally threw her away and I was there to catch her. This author mistakenly assumes that "gotcha" means a slap to a mosquito, yet the word, as many in the english language, means so much more. It is the intonation, not the word that matters. If my daughter wants to call it "gotcha day" because it makes her happy that she "got us" as her family, then I will smile and be proud that I was lucky enough to be "gotten."
Posted by: Tania at 7:46am Jun 4
Get rid of "gotcha day"???!!! Please, lets get rid of ignorance, crime, neglect, war, poverty, starvation or something else important. If you think that "gotcha day" reminds children that they have a loss, then I have to wonder about the other 364 days of the year. My daughter, adopted from foster care, grieves for her first family EVERY DAY. The term "gotcha" usually followed by a tickle, brings a smile to her face. Her "gotcha day" is the one day a year that she thinks about her blessings instead of her losses.
Posted by: Toni at 7:52am Jun 4
Really! With all the orphans in this world, and families who long for children, what on earth is wrong with Gotcha! For us it is you GOT us and we GOT you. How can that be wrong? I REFUSE to let picky, politically correct people ruin a wonderful day for us and our family. Do people really have to correct others ALL the time? MOM
Posted by: mom at 7:58am Jun 4
I too don't like the term and we don't celebrate that 'gotcha' day at all. We celebrate their birthdays as like any other child in a family. I don't like to emphasise on the fact that they are adopted, although we're proud of that. Kids just want to be like any other kid. The fact that they are adopted was just a small part in their life, the rest that comes after it is more important!
Posted by: Mireille at 8:02am Jun 4
We loved having Gotcha Day for our son, who was adopted at 5 weeks, up until our biological daughter was born. Then I realized it would be difficult to have Gotcha Day for him but not anything like that for her. Now we just quietly do something special on Gotcha Day that my husband and I know is the reason for celebrating but don't call it anything special to the kids. They just like that we get to do something extra each fall. When our son is grown we will tell him why we did those extra fun things each October 16th.
Posted by: Carrie at 8:09am Jun 4
We didn't like the term "Gotcha Day" either. We adopted our daughter from Kazakhstan in 2000. Every year we celebrate our "Family Birthday" with a cake which says "Happy Family Birthday" and a candle designating the number of years we have been a family. We also brought enough items home from KZ to give her something on our Family Birthday to celebrate her KZ culture. Our whole family looks forward to this celebration each year.
Posted by: Christi at 8:18am Jun 4
It's all in the eyes of the families on whether this is negative or not. One can take any word and put a negative spin on it if you really want to. I agree with other posters, it's a personal decision but for goodness sakes, it's not the worst thing in the world. To me it's a fun term to describe the day we all got each other.
Posted by: Mandy at 8:20am Jun 4
Today is our 9th family anniversary for my son, Michael who is 10. We celebrate it every year with a few gifts, a trip to the Mini Grand Prix (a place where you ride go-carts and play games) and with a cake that says Happy Anniversary. I'm a Social Worker in the field of adoption and I've heard criticism that adoptive families shouldn't celebrate the day of placement or finalization because that's not "normal". But you know, what? It works for us. We look forward to it. It's the time of year where we discuss what we were doing so many years ago etc.... It's a very positive experience. Would never use the term "gotcha" though. It's family day. Veronica
Posted by: Veronica at 8:27am Jun 4
I wish people would be less judgemental. We celebrate 'Gotcha Day' proudly every year. I have 2 biological children and 1 Russian adopted daughter. It is not the day that we became a family (we already were a family without her). It is the day we all got each other, for better or worse. My daughter is proud of her heritage and adoption and her new family. She asks me to go to her school and talk about her story with her in front of her class. I have done so every year at her request. Then we have a Russian dinner all together and we give her something to celebrate her Russian heritage. We aren't harming anyone by celebrating the story of our family. Why must so many of you be so judgemental. We should each be grateful to have such a wonderful day to celebrate any way that works for each of our families.
Posted by: Angela at 9:54am Jun 4
Even prior to becoming Foster Parents in the hopes of adopting I never cared for the term "gotcha". It did not carry a good feel for me personally for such a wonderful exciting day. The day of finalization is the day that you become a legal family. That means more to me and deserves a respectful title. Gotcha does not say respectful to me. We will be celebrating the 1 year anniversary of our sons adoption tomorrow on the 5th. This is our family day. My husband will take off work every year for this day. I will too should I return to work. We will spend this day together as a family and celebrate that God brought us together.
Posted by: Tammy R at 9:55am Jun 4
I agree with the folks who say families should use whatever feels most comfortable to them. Way too much worrying over language here. How about looking at what's behind the language, instead of quibbling over words? I see a real problem here, with the adult adoptee's comment: "We shouldn't use it for an event that recalls the loss of culture, country, and birthparents." Adoption does NOT necessarily have to involve the loss of culture, nor the total loss of country, nor even, often, the loss of relationships with birthparents. I think we'd do far better to work on things like preserving culture, ties to birth country, and , when possible, relationships to birthparents, rather than worrying about what we call the day.
Posted by: sjbj at 9:56am Jun 4
This coming Sunday, June 8, is my daughter's and my 10th Gotcha Day. We have always used that term and everyone who knows us knows what it means. It's the day we got each other; the day we became a family. It is a day we celebrate how incredibly blessed we are to have each other. I agree with others that we simply must stop all of the political correctness. Our country already spends way too much time regulating the masses in order not to offend the few. Focus on real issues!
Posted by: Ann at 10:02am Jun 4
For all of you who do not dwell on words but enjoy the feelings, I salute you. For those of you who use political correctness to elevate yourselves--Get over it!
Posted by: Missy at 2:52pm Jun 4
As so many before me have said, "to each his/her own". If you want to call it "family day" or some other term, that's your choice. OUR choice is "Gotcha Day", and nothing anyone else says is going to change that. Please don't try to stuff your own personal beliefs/thoughts/ feelings down my throat. There are more serious things in this world to be this concerned about.
Posted by: Cindy at 3:55pm Jun 4
I feel that children are not commodities and that the term "gotcha" is stupid and offensive. Also, our family does not celebrate the day the adoption was finalized. Instead, we have a wonderful celebration on the day we met our son for the first time.
Posted by: Mary at 6:31pm Jun 4
Reading all of these posts I'm made to realize how lucky my family is to have an open adoption. When my daughter was born I was in the delivery room and I cut the cord. The day we became a family was the day she was born...and unlike some in the article that mention the day that the child is taken from a culture and all that is familiar in their tiny lives, our daughter has never been apart from her birth family. Her biological grandparents, aunts and uncles live 20 miles away and are as familiar to her as they are loved. Please don't think I'm gloating... It was interesting to me that the article raised an issue that we never knew existed.
Posted by: Gibby at 6:55pm Jun 4
It's so disappointing to see AP's take such offense when adult adoptees speak out against words that make them feel commodified or disrespected. If it's such a harmless word, than shouldn't it be insignificant enough to call it something else that clearly has no such connotations. Maybe your adopted child likes it, maybe not. Maybe they aren't old enough to understand the complexities of their adoption or the multiple ways to interpret 'gotcha'. Maybe they will never care one way or the other. Either way, why not just avoid the potential problem since the solution is as easy as using another term like Adoption Day or Family Day, or are you so arrogant as to claim to KNOW exactly how your adopted child will feel about it.
Posted by: TM at 8:46pm Jun 4
This article is outstanding. I have always cringed at the term "Gotcha Day" without really understanding why ... Ms. Moline does an outstanding job at articulating the negative connotations that the term conjures up. We use the term "Us Day" (which was actually coined by our 3 year old) when we celebrate the day we came together as a family. To us, it better captures the spirit of what we are celebrating.
Posted by: ACS at 7:57am Jun 5
I totally agree that Gotcha is not the best choice of names for the day on which one celebrates a child's becoming a member of a family. Our oldest child, adopted from China, very natually named the celebration day herself. We call it Happy Adoption Day. As my children enter their teens I'm anticipating the possibility that they may take issue with the word "happy", since the fact that their birth parents could not raise them is not a 'happy' thing. However, should they raise this as an issue, I will suggest that while their birth parents relinquishing their parenting of them is a sad thing, becoming a member of a loving family, either via birth or adoption, is indeed a happy thing. As such, I hope they will continue to feel comfortable with the 'happy' part of the name and celebrate us being a family with joy as I always will.
Posted by: Deborah Novotny at 8:48am Jun 5
I'm another adoptive parent who's not so fond of "gotcha". In our family, we call it Ruby Day because we're celebrating all that Ruby is - my daughter as well as the daughter of her birth and foster mothers. It's a special day to remember all that she has lost and all that she has gained in her journey to our family.
Posted by: Kerri at 9:24pm Jun 5
We do not celebrate Gotcha Day. We finalized our adoption on Thaksgiving Day - the day we were in court it was Thanksgiving Thursday in Russia and the next day, when we picked up our daughters, it was Thanksgiving Thursday in the United States. So we are simply thankful at Thanksgiving that our daughters became ours on that day. I do not think it is something that you need to continue to commerate, if you are open and honest about the fact that your child WAS adopted (note - not IS). Just as our bio children WERE born. And all our NOW are our children - however they joined our family. We simply don't differentiate. Why continue to point out something that makes them different, even if you are trying to show them that they are special to you? Instead, do that every day of their lives. We celebrate their birthdays and that is their special day - also not one they have to share (since we adopted two at one time). One day that is all their own.
Posted by: Kathy at 5:06pm Jun 6
On the anniversaries of the finalization of our son's adoptions, we celebrate it as Family Day. We spend the day doing something fun as a family. I've never really thought of it as Gotcha.
Posted by: Shannon at 7:13pm Jun 15
I use "gotcha" and "family" both but that day is totally different that the day my daughter was adopted. That happened the next day. I celebrate every step of it with her. There may come a time when she will realize the loss and pain of all the days, referral anniversary, gotcha/family day, adoption day, coming home day but now I put as much fun into all of them that I can so she will have happy memories of it all. She can change whatever she wants to call it when she is old enough and I will follow her footsteps. There are some adoptees like the commenter's 14 year old who understands it in a totally different light. Could be the age the child was adopted makes the difference and the loss put into more perspective. I mean living in an orphanage without a permanent family for 14 years to get a family probably outweighs the part of loss experienced. I am not discounting adult adoptees by any means but I do think that for the most part adoptive parents have gained awareness enough and if the family/child wishes to keep the gotcha let them live in peace. Lets rename animal adoption instead!!
Posted by: Beverly at 1:49pm Jun 19
I use "gotcha" and "family" both but that day is totally different that the day my daughter was adopted. That happened the next day. I celebrate every step of it with her. There may come a time when she will realize the loss and pain of all the days, referral anniversary, gotcha/family day, adoption day, coming home day but now I put as much fun into all of them that I can so she will have happy memories of it all. She can change whatever she wants to call it when she is old enough and I will follow her footsteps. There are some adoptees like the commenter's 14 year old who understands it in a totally different light. Could be the age the child was adopted makes the difference and the loss put into more perspective. I mean living in an orphanage without a permanent family for 14 years to get a family probably outweighs the part of loss experienced. I am not discounting adult adoptees by any means but I do think that for the most part adoptive parents have gained awareness enough and if the family/child wishes to keep the gotcha let them live in peace. Let's rename animal adoption instead!!
Posted by: Beverly at 1:50pm Jun 19