Surviving the China Wait as a Second-Time Adopterby Mary S. Thayer
I desperately want to meet my second child; for my daughter to have a sibling; and for our family to be a foursome.
But it seems that China has other plans. I have no control over that. I understood that going in, but it doesn’t make it any easier. A wait of two years was unwelcome, but doable. A wait that could conceivably stretch to five years—or more—well, that math won’t work for a lot of us.
I don't feel up to starting over again at 50-plus. And our daughter, who just turned four, would always be in a different place than her sibling, essentially growing up as an only child.
When we started this process, a two-year wait was simply a wild rumor. We didn't believe it would happen. Our agency said the wait might go to as long as 16 months, but they were confident that China wouldn't let it get to 18 months. At the time, we felt 18 months was unacceptable. We ventured on and our dossier was logged in December of 2006. What I wouldn't give for that 18 month referral right now!
These days, our agency won't even venture a guess as to when we will receive a referral. With each new batch of referrals they simply state how long that group waited and that the wait "continues to lengthen."
So, as the time drags on, I am mocked by the baby gates languishing on the walls and the boxes of outgrown clothes waiting for the next child who may never come. And while my dreams slip further and further away, the whisper of the unthinkable grows louder and louder in its demand for an answer: How do I decide if and when to let go?
So, I’ve pondered the alternatives in an endless loop, trying to decide which route is right for my family.
Raising an Only Child
One solution is to pull our dossier and raise an only child. This is a particularly tough issue for me, because my sisters are my best friends and I cannot imagine denying my daughter the chance to experience that kind of bond.
Then there are times when I feel compelled to get off the merry-go-round at any price. I’ll arbitrarily pick an end point only to get there and decide I need a little more time—just in case.
A Sibling from a Different Country
We briefly considered applying to a different country, but after attending a panel discussion of adult adoptees raised in transracial families, my husband and I felt compelled to give our daughter a sibling who looks like her and who shares her background. However, with this interminable wait, the question becomes: Is it better to give a child a sibling of a different race than no sibling at all?
This decision would mean starting the adoption process anew. Even if we could find the money—no small consideration—where would we go? It seems most countries are either having program difficulties or are experiencing a huge backlog. And if we do switch, it will require an additional commitment of time, since we’ll need to ensure that both children have the cultural influences and role models they need.
A Waiting Child
A waiting child has been the answer for many families. However, that program has also experienced some radical changes and an influx of families, resulting in longer wait times and more difficulty finding a match. Making this decision also means dealing with the judgment around this issue—whether people who switch mid-stream have the right motivation to parent a waiting child.
Although we haven’t yet made a decision for our future, I have taken steps to make the wait easier, like swearing off the online support groups and rumor sites. It also helps to remind myself that my first path to parenthood was similarly unpredictable. Only after one door in my life closed did another open to reveal my daughter—who has brought me immeasurable joy. Whether we decide to endure the wait, raise an only child, or change our adoption plans, I now feel confident that we will "grow" into our choice and ultimately find the bliss we seek.
Mary S. Thayer recently resurrected her writing career to “fill the space.” She lives with her family of three in Maryland.
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Comments
I am not adopting from China, but I had a question I wanted to share with the author (and others in a similar predicament). Would you consider adopting another child from a different Asian country? Though another country will have a different history, different traditions and customs, etc., it might be a good plan for your children to identify as ASIAN AMERICAN (from a pan-ethnic perspective), rather than solely from the same country.
Posted by: LB at 10:19am Jun 18
Our first daughter took 2 and a half years, both my wife and I arn't getting any younger so we decided to adopt from India for our second.
Posted by: Robert King at 10:26am Jun 18
I could have written this post myself. We, too, have a 4 year old daughter who is waiting for a sibling. We're stuck in the long wait, too. It is very hard and there are so many of us facing the same challenges. I started a blog devoted to trying to find the good in the waiting. www.waitingisgood.blogspot.com It really is hard to find the good somedays, but our choice is to give up on our second adoption and I just can't do that! Great article.
Posted by: Michele at 10:49am Jun 18
There's a fourth option and one we've considered as we too face this interminable wait for China. Domestic adoption and foster-to-adopt are both programs we didn't consider for our first adoption. Instead we had a quick and predictable adoption from China in 2005. At the time, we were hesitant to risk a disrupted placement. Our emotions were too raw having gone through 10 years of desiring children. However once the elevated emotions were eased, my husband and I feel ready to enter the world of domestic adoption right here at home. Although the wait for China is awful, I'm very thankful that it has opened our eyes and caused us to seriously consider other adoption paths.
Posted by: Andrea at 11:11am Jun 18
Just food for thought for parents thinking of changing countries - it may not be as fast as you think. My husband and I are logged into Taiwan and the wait is growing all the time. In Dec 2007, while doing our homestudy, the wait was 12 months. We finished the homestudy process in Feb 2008 and the wait was 18 months. We sent everything to the Taiwan orphanage in March 2008 and our wait grew again. Now it is 18-24 months with many parents waiting way more than 24 months. Taiwan is a small country which is now getting overwhelmed due to parents changing countries because of long waits and closures. All country program waits are growing-it is a tough time in international adoption. It may be worth hanging on for the country you started in as other countries are slowing down tremendously.
Posted by: J at 2:32pm Jun 18
I would love to hear from others like us. This is our first child and the wait has been very difficult, but we don't have the blessings of another child to fill our void. We have been waiting since June, 2006 (our LID) and are determined to hang on because we feel we were led to China for some special reason and it is the child waiting for us there. We too are not getting any younger, but we would be doing that anyway, and we want this child more than anything!
Posted by: Jan from FL at 3:08pm Jun 18
Well, yes the wait for China is stretching out endlessly, and, yes, people are turning to different countries, but we are in it for the long haul! My husband and I don't even have an LID yet, and this will be our first child after being married for 9 years. We also were led to China. We have explored many other options, only to have doors shut in our face, or to see that China is IT. We hold onto the hope that our child will come sooner than the assumed timeline foretells. Our God is bigger than any government, and there are still unwanted, abandoned girls waiting for their mommies and daddies. You can visit our waiting blog at www.whittshome.com
Posted by: Tracy in Colorado at 3:43pm Jun 18
My husband and I have been in the China process for three years with a LID of Aug 2006. This would be our first child. Some days I just can't help crying because the wait is excruciating. Today I even cried to a neighbor I had just met. Fortunately she understood - she adopted from Korea and India recently. My family doesn't seem to "get it" and don't realize how hard this year has been. We started the private/independent adoption process in Sept. Our attorney wanted to charge us $55k because she said we "could afford it". Huh? We switched to another attorney and have started advertising in local papers. I find the more people you talk to, the better. Get as much information as you can from pediatricians (mine recommended our current attorney). One attorney told me that networking is KEY in a private/independent adoption. He said to "tell everyone who has a pulse". Even people you've just met. He also suggested having a single page "dear birth mother letter" at the ready with a few pictures on it to email and send to friends so that they can pass it along to someone who may know someone. Don't send the portfolio version - just the one page letter with your 800 number on the bottom of it. A good web site is informedadoptions.com So although we have the nursery and NINE bins of clothes, books and toys, we are still hoping and praying that our little pumpkin will be home soon.
Posted by: Emily at 4:50pm Jun 18
logged in april 2006. It's so frustrating not knowing what will happen. I'm so afraid that it Won't happen at all.
Posted by: Deb at 5:49pm Jun 18
I want to say "don't stop believing" to all of you waiting. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you! I agree w/Emily - networking IS key. I have many friends whose adoption plan ended up on another adoption path. Also, don't forget about your local social services department as a contact for fostering with the option to adopt, if you feel you can go this journey. We recently brought home our daughter from Guatemala. It was a frustrating journey - any amount of time is too long for our children to be home with us. I pray for each and everyone of you. There IS a light at the end of this journey! It will be worth the wait.
Posted by: Lea at 7:48pm Jun 18
Regarding Mary Thayer's comments that "our daughter, who just turned four, would always be in a different place than her sibling, essentially growing up as an only child." My two daughters (one adopted, one biological) are 7 years apart in age. While there are challenges raising a 4-year-old and an 11-year-old who are in "different places" (it's hard to agree on family movies, for instance), my kids are very close and love to spend time with each other. They have a bond that we never anticipated—they are truly best friends. Keep the faith. The end result may not be what you thought it would be, but it can be awfully good!
Posted by: susan at 10:30am Jun 19
I can't believe that there are some of you saying that you've had a log in date since spring of 2006?!? Our agency's last update said that the CCAA had reviewed dossiers through Jan. 2007. So, if you've been submitted since Apr. 2006 and don't have a referral yet, that seems like a problem w/ your agency. We are going with the special needs program. As soon as we complete our dossier, we'll be able to accept a referral. We actually will probably get a referral very quickly since we are not requesting a specific gender. (50% of children avail. are boys; 80% of families request girls; if you ask for a boy, your wait will be significantly reduced!)
Posted by: Amy at 10:36am Jun 19
Regarding Amy's comment; LID's are not the same as review dates. A Log In Date, or LID, is the date your dossier is "logged in" to the CCAA. Yes, dossiers have been reviewed and are now officially out of review, but these are not at all the same thing. There is no problem with the agency; all requests for International Adoption are handled exclusively through the CCAA; agencies have no control and make no decisions about when children are matched with families. Currently the wait is 29 months from LID, NOT from Review date.. matching is based only from LID.
Posted by: Aimee at 12:15pm Jun 19
I couldn't have written it any better. We have a 4 year old daughter from China, and are logged in for baby#2 11-27-06. We were hoping that the girls would be closer in age. I really believe that the hardest thing to accept is that we have no control, no answers and somedays, no hope that it's ever really going to happen. We have just renewed our paperwork that expired, and are going to hang in there because we have to in our hearts. We believe in hope and sometimes, that's all we have. Good luck to all who are waiting, and remember, there is a child who is waiting for YOU. Stacy
Posted by: Stacy at 12:50pm Jun 19
My father and his sister were nine years apart and remained best friends thoughout his 68 years of life. My aunt is the last living person in my family of her generation and we are incredibly blessed to have her around. By many twists of what appeared momentarily to be "bad luck", my birthed son and his sister, adopted from China, are also nine years apart just like my father and his sister. They are of two very different generations--the older is a millenial, and the younger is of a generation as yet without a name, At 16 and 25 they are still working out their sibling rivalry: they each tell me how I should be "raising" the other! Having two "only" children is a challenge, but sometimes it's just the way fate would have it. Perhaps the most important factors to consider are how adopting a child in the near future (1 year) or the distant future (3-5 years) will impact your current child and your family. Are you healthy enough to wait? How will a later adoption interface with caring for older parents,if they are still with you? How does your child get along with younger children, babies, or children with special needs? How much more stress do you want to add to your lives? In short, if this process is creating too much stress for your family, maybe it is time to relax and enjoy what you have. Patty is the author of Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child
Posted by: Patty Cogen at 4:11pm Jun 19
We are waiting for our 3rd child from China. We've been waiting now for 25 months. Its very hard for me to conceptualize this when we waited 11 for our first daughter and 10 for our second. The wait is hard, agonizing at times and frustrating all the time, but when I get particularly down I remind myself that unlike so many others, I am not waiting to become a mom for the first time and wondering if it is going to every happen. My heart goes out to everyone in that situation. I also think about the many singles who have one child and wanted very much to adopt again so their first would have a sibbling. Again, my heart goes out to them. My husband and I worry about the new challenges financially with this wait...re-doing paperwork at increased fees, higher travel costs, higher costs in China etc. It saddens me that there will be such an age difference now between our 7 and a half year old, 5 year old and the youngest. I try to think about the positives of the girls being able to return to China and understand so much more and I think about how they will be able to take part in caring for their little sister. I pray every day that the wait speeds up because this child has been in our hearts for 3 years now and I can't let her go. How would I explain that to our older girls...we couldn't hang in there just a little longer to bring your sister home. I just can't give up. We wait and wait and wait and pray and pray and pray. I trust in the Chinese International Adoption Program. I know it will happen if we can just hang in there. In the meantime, we stay busy with life and look forward to the day we add one more to our family.
Posted by: Sarah Williams at 8:20pm Jun 19
Our LID is also April 2006. There's no question that if someone told me in the beginning that it would be 3 years to meet our daughter, I wouldn't have chosen China. I'm not known as a patient person, after all. This timeline is extremely disappointing and frustrating. Alhough my husband and I have considered all other options (domestic, other countries, special needs, even surrogacy), we have decided to hang in there. I feel we were led to China for a reason and I can't give up on our daughter who has been living in our hearts for almost 3 years now. Sometimes I fear that it may not happen for us. But I try to have faith and believe that it will...someday.
Posted by: Laura at 8:49am Jun 20
I truly believe that the wait is caused by the Olympic games.The Olympic games are extremely important to China that they have let other issues wait. Everything government related is taking a back seat to these games. After the Olympic games are over and the euphoria dies down I have a pretty good feeling that adoptions will begin picking up speed then we'll begin to see shorter waiting times, maybe up to 15 months. I hope so. That's when my wife and I plan to start the process of bringing home a baby sister for Katrina, our four year old adopted in November 2004 from China.
Posted by: Albert at 1:04pm Jun 20
I do understand as our LID for our first and perhaps only child is May 2006. I too have cried those tears. And I too get mad when people say, find other things to occupy your time or once you have her, the wait will seem like nothing. It is not easy when all we want is to love and adore a child. All we want is to hold her and sing to our child, calm her fears, smell her clean, soft hair and be there for her no matter what. I have not done much in preparing the nursery because I always want that to be our happy room and right now I'd be sad if I went in there. But I have ordered many of the things for that room. The room where I'll watch our sweet daughter sleep and we'll cuddle her when she cries. The room where she'll play with friends and we'll sit at a little table and color. The room where we'll hang all her pretty little pictures that she colors and paints. Our daughter's room. We have our name already selected and even friends of my parents have been to China and purchased a stamp with her name and then her name in Chinese characters. My Mom has made all kinds of cute outfits - even one dress that matches a dress that a bunny she made wears. Our daughter will loved and taken care of with such a passion. For now we wait though. 25 months so far and if it is a 29 month wait, then we keep just hoping she comes home this year. And yes, I am occupying my time - losing weight, exercising, and getting as healthy as I can for our daughter. She deserves that - a happy, healthy Mom. No, it is not easy at all to wait for my daughter but she will come from China as that is where my heart has always taken me. One day we will smile together and giggle until our tummies hurt from laughing so hard. One day....
Posted by: Annette at 11:12am Jun 21
I have 2 daughters from 2 very different countries and I wouldn't hesitate a minute to say that they are sisters through and through. You have no better chance of 2 girls born in the same country getting along together than 2 girls born in different countries. It's all about upbringing and personality. Go find your second child wherever she is - it doesn't matter at all that she doesn't look like her sister just like it doesn't matter that she doesn't look like her parents. You want a child and there are children without homes. Don't get hung up on them both being from the same country, please! Life is too short.
Posted by: Bev at 9:53pm Jun 21
Our LID was March 2006 for our second china adoption. In 2007 we began thinking of possible other options, (for all the reasons discussed above, mainly our age as well as wanting a close sibling for our 4-year-old daughter). We explored ALL options including those mentioned above, and ended up looking over the sn program rather closely. And the happy ending is that in May of 08 we came home with our little 12 month old BOY (who would have thought??) with a very minor cleft palate which will soon be fixed. I would have NEVER thought I would be able to parent a "special needs" child, but once I began researching, I discovered the it was all just fear from ignorance. I would urge you to talk to your agency about their sn program...maybe your child is waiting for you there. I know we could have NEVER had a better match than our little boy -- he's the perfect completion for our family...and the timing was God's not mine, and once again...it was perfect!
Posted by: Christy at 11:06pm Jun 22
We are in a different kind of wait-a wait to be waiting! My husband is trying to get another job that would give us the income requirement to adopt again from China. We have a 4 yr old daughter from China and would love for her to have a Chinese sister. I'm still holding out hope that everything will happen at the right time.
Posted by: Sharon at 8:16am Jun 23
We did not adopt from China, but from Russia. I wrote about our experiences of waiting, filling out paper work, the emotional struggles, the referral, etc...If anyone is interested in reading more, please go to Amazon.com or Author House.com and look up "Miracle In The City of Angels: An International Adoption Story" My friend, Erin Brown Conroy and I worked on this story and poured out our hearts to help others who are waiting for their precious child(ren). Elle
Posted by: Elle Conner at 11:26am Jun 23
We waited 14 months for our daughter who was born in China in 2004. That wait seemed like an eternity, so I can't imagine what you are going through. I can only tell you to have faith and believe that you will travel to get your daughter when it is supposed to happen. The arrival of our children, biological and adopted, is something that is out of our control. Our journey to our daughter began when infertility issues surfaced early in my marriage. We began considering adoption as an option for our family. Finally, in 1994, after what seemed like an endless science experiment, our son was born. In 1999, with no planning what-so-ever, our second son was born. I thought our adoption plan was null and void at this point. A violent car crash in 2002, involving some friends, myself, and my oldest son led me to believe, after a great deal of soul-searching, that our adoption journey was not over. We began paperwork for our daughter in 2004 and traveled to China, on June 24th, 2005 (my birthday) to get out beautiful little girl, Malia. Our "Gotcha day" was June 27th. This date is my niece's birthday. I am her Godmother and we had asked her to be Malia's Godmother. I am hesitant to believe that all this is coincidence. My children are now 13, 9, and almost 4. Each of them have a special relationship with one another and a special place in our family. I believe that God truly had a hand in each of their arrivals. I once read a quote that said "Life is lived forward and understood backwards." I now try to think of that when I begin to question things that are out of my control. Have faith and follow the path that you are on. Enjoy the remaining moments with your daughter as an only child, they will become memories before you know it.
Posted by: Lisa at 8:38am Jun 25
I completely resonate with this article. My daughter is now 2 1/2 and we would like to give her a sibling from China. With the changes in requirements however, we are not able to re-apply. (I take an anti-depressant.) Has anyone heard as to whether or not the requirements might loosen, i.e. go back to what they were a few years ago, after the Olympics are over? A contact we have in China who works in the adoption community there thought this may be the case....
Posted by: Katie at 8:58am Jun 26
It's actually refreshing to see so many people around my time frame LID 10/1/06 - we are all waiting and it feels like we wont get our referral until next year. We are waiting for our first. I know when she gets here it will be the perfect time for her arrival. I just hope we do not feel we are too old by the time she does arrive. Dear Author, this was an excellent article. You have an excellent ability to capture and express the emotions of the adoption process. Please write more.
Posted by: Wanda at 5:50am Jun 27
It's really helpful to read this article, our lid is 12/06 & sometimes the wait seems never ending. The hardest part is questions from people who aren't familiar with int'l adoption. It's nice to hear from others in the same situation and how they're handling it.
Posted by: Lori at 9:18pm Jun 30
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