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5 Tips for Writing a Dear Birthmother Letter

  • Keep in mind that your goal is to connect with the right birthmother for you. Successful adoptions occur when prospective adoptive parents and birthparents make a strong pre-birth connection. So, resist making yourself into something youíre not. The more authentically you communicate the essence of your personality, lifestyle, parenting philosophy, and heart, the better chance you have of connecting with a birthmother who shares your feelings.

  • Paint a picture of how you live. Illustrate facts with anecdotes to help birthmothers picture the events you describe. Donít settle for a general statement like ďOur wedding day was very special to us." Describe how you made your own floral arrangements of irises and violets, then knocked them over later while dancing. A birthmother wonít remember "special," but she will remember you rolling around in the flowers in your wedding dress. The more intimate the details, the more vivid the picture.

  • Identify the places in your life where the baby will fit. Use the description of your interests to talk about how you will raise your child. If you love the theatre, describe your plan to attend puppet shows to introduce your child to this world. If golf is your thing, make a joke about needing a caddie. This will help a birthmother imagine the life her baby will lead.

  • Be positive. After infertility, itís difficult to discuss forming a family without a dose of sorrow. These feelings are natural and need to be dealt with, but your Dear Birthmother letter is not the place to do it. Donít dwell on your loss. Put your best foot forward and express the good your life has to offer. You can mention your infertility, or any other sorrow, but do so within the context of the positive lessons that adversity has taught you.

  • Become the solution. We all wish our home were larger, our incomes bigger, our relationship with our parents better. So, donít waste space pointing out deficiencies. Communicate the aspects of your life that will help a birthmother imagine you as the solution she seeks.

  • ©Copyright 2002 Adoptive Families magazine. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

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